


what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? (What if I never get over you?)

by louloubaby92



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louloubaby92/pseuds/louloubaby92
Summary: They've always been scorching, always burning too hot for comfort. But through their ups and downs, they always find a way back to each other. Always.Harry hopes that this time is no different, that this time, it's for good.Or the one where Louis goes through a major accident and Harry blames himself for everything.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	1. Harry: I’m permanent

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by lady Antebellum

‘’Hello,’’

His raspy voice resonates throughout the small, dim-lit café. He’d found it just like all the other locations he’s been to; simply through a random stop-over in the middle of his quest to…as cliché as it may sound, fill a void he never thought he’d feel, not when he’s one of the few out there honored to have an adoring fan base growing in numbers since the age of 16, a loving family and well…

Louis.

The café, though off the beaten track -because that is how out of town he is- is heavily occupied, filling every available chair and space, some even zooming in through the windows via camera and mobile phones, lit like torches and glow sticks. It reminds him of those nights he played arenas while singing ballads.

He’s not worried though, or well, not as worried as his crew. For all intents and purposes, he is actually doing the head of this fine, humble establishment a favor with such a pouring in of people, here to drink their coffees and beers but most importantly, to watch the one and only Harry Styles of One Direction, who, as of last month, the first month of the band’s one year hiatus, has decided to embark on a sudden road trip with only hear-say and grainy photos of his whereabouts as a way to reach him.

Some of the people sitting in the audience staring up at him are either lucky they were in the area or were just going about their normal routine and are being graced with his presence. He snorts, because, graced? Really? The word is sour in his mouth.

‘’I’m Harry Styles of One Direction and before I start singing into this open-mic night, which, thanks Mike,’’ he nods towards the head of the café, a kind man in his mid-forties, who nods back from where he is manning the bar. ‘’I would like to ask you a favor.’’ He clears his throat because this is the important bit. Even though there are videos of this already flooding YouTube, it’s important he says it. After all, it’s partly why he’s spending his year off doing this.

‘’This road trip is very special to me and I’m humbled enough to have a merry band of crewman take time out of their lives to help me with it so please make their job easy for them and don’t push around if you please.’’

He catches his manager’s eyes from where he is standing by the steps on the side of the slightly elevated stage. Jeff just shakes his head fondly and well, Harry doesn’t blame him. He’s probably bored from hearing Harry say this time and again but it’s still important to say it, Harry thinks.

‘’Second of all, the fedoras you see placed on the tables are mine and they are there for a reason. Inside, you will find a piece of paper with the names of charity foundations I hold close to my heart. Should you like to donate to a good cause and be a Good Samaritan in exchange for watching this performance, I think some kind, humble people out there would very much appreciate it. Thank you.’’

There were times when some of his fedoras went missing (or stolen as Jeff would like to point out angrily) and his crew patronized him for being too trusting. Other times, the donations were so large; he couldn’t help but invite the crew for a drink out of his pocket as some sort of victory and thanks.

‘’So yeah, that’s it. This song is called ‘Permanent’.’’ He says into the mic and then Clare, his keyboard player, starts playing the piano behind him. He closes his eyes and drifts.

_Is this the moment when I look you in the eye?_

_Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry_

After his performance, his bodyguards Tim and his cousin Edward, collect the fedoras. He thanks Mike for letting him have the stage and for letting him out back.

‘’I should thank you, lad,’’ the man says, his voice gruff but jolly. ‘’My barmen told me they almost ran out of whiskey back there.’’

‘’I hope that’s not a bad thing,’’ Harry says politely. He knows some of his fans are under-age but he doubts they’d be allowed in on nights he plays in bars.

‘’Trust me; it was a very good night. I hope yours was too.’’

Harry smiles but it does not reach his eyes. Soon, all their equipment is packed and he is rushed to the bus before any fans could get a hold of him. After that he’s off, back on the road.

He sits in the back lounge while the crew gathers in the kitchen area and opens up his phone. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t check on Louis. He could’ve stayed with him of course, but it wasn’t right at the time, doesn’t feel right even now so all he has is this.

Liam picks up on the second ring.

‘’What’s up?’’ he says blankly. Things have been shaky with Liam since the day he left and honestly, Harry doesn’t blame him.

‘’Hey Li,’’ he croaks and right on time, Jimmy, his personal assistant, comes in and hands him a cup of tea. He mouths his thank you before getting back to what Liam is saying.

‘’I gather you’ve performed tonight?’’ his tone sounds clipped, which Harry is getting used to by ignoring it. After all, he doesn’t call for Liam, he calls for Louis.

‘’Yes. How is he?’’ he goes straight to the point as he takes a tentative sip. He can smell the lemon squeezed into his tea and taste the honey off the warm liquid. Jimmy sure knows how to brew a perfect soothing cup for his throat but still. He knows who makes the best cup of tea in the world and that person is sadly not with him.

For all the distance he’s put between them, all the singing he does, the songs he dedicates and donations he gathers for Louis’ charities, the feeling of utter longing doesn’t go away, is now a visceral part of him but since when did Louis ever made him feel otherwise?

It’s always been scorching between them and that hasn’t changed even now.

‘’You know, one of these days, I’m really not going to answer you.’’ Liam says icily.

‘’I know,’’ he says because Liam is right.

‘’Then you know that the only reason I’m answering you is because _he_ knows how you worry. Sick bastard doesn’t want _you_ of all people to suffer, which fuck, of all the nonsense I had to hear coming out of his mouth, that tops it by a mile.’’ Liam steams on, like a train roller.

‘’I know that too.’’ Harry rasps and it’s less from his tired voice and more from that sharp thing slicing through his chest, the thing that reminds him that Louis is worried about him. Maybe it’s his heart but he’s not sure. It’s always aching these days.

‘’Then I’m sure you also know that you don’t deserve to know how he’s doing because if you really wanted to, you could do it yourself by actually being here so how about…’’

‘’Liam,’’ he interrupts. ‘’I know, alright? I know all that. Just, please tell me.’’

‘’You’re such a prick.’’ Liam mutters and well, what else is new? Harry doesn’t say he knows a third time because that would get on Liam’ nerves and Harry really cannot afford for Liam to hang up on him like he’d done a couple of times before.

‘’He’s okay, relatively.’’ Liam sighs. ‘’You know, some days are good, some aren’t. What else is new?’’ he says warily.

‘’Is he taking his meds? Is he following instructions?’’ Harry asks and he knows it’s too much to ask just as soon as he hears Liam sigh heavily.

‘’God, Harry, just come home already.’’ Liam is this close to pleading, Harry knows but he also knows that Liam won’t outright do it. ‘’You’re dumb if you think he hasn’t already forgi…’’

Harry hangs up. He doesn’t need to hear something that is not true, or at least, something he cannot believe to be true yet. He’s still too guilty, after all, to allow that simple pleasure of being forgiven by a Louis Tomlinson.


	2. Harry: Life after you

He’s somewhere in Boston, in some backhand 24/7 diner and right now, its past midnight. For a place that he is sure is never this full, the audience in front of him is quite the scene. It seems that even after taking a break from grand arenas and insanely huge stadiums, people don’t mind following him to pubs and diners either. From what he has gathered on twitter, it seems that there are small groups of fans who have taken their own road trip to follow him around and spread videos of his performances allover YouTube. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to the masses- it would have been a big deal regardless of anything because this is Harry Style singing and when has that never been a big deal?- if it wasn’t for the fact that all the songs he has been performing are all originals with a couple of covers here and there.

In all honestly, he isn’t doing this to maintain his name in the public or to fuel those rumors of him going solo for good –no matter how many times they confirm remaining a group, people are still adamant to believe otherwise and he’d gotten really tired of always defending himself so he just stopped.

It’s nice to have free reign though, to be able to perform his own songs without having some producer tell him to cut it out or edit the parts that are a bit too obviously dedicated to a certain someone. Which well, they do have a point, those producers, they really do since not all his band mates are in love with Louis so it would be weird having all of them sing _I’m drowning in blue eyes till I’m part of the ocean too._ Niall would’ve have cackled his pants off if he heard that one.

As for the covers, well, those are for the bad days, when Liam calls instead of him calling Liam and tells him heart-stopping things, if the way his heart feels like it had been plunged through a barrel of acid is anything to go by. Those are the days where he has no words and needs to rely on other songs to get his message across for him.

The whole diner is occupied in a way that reminds Harry of sold out crowds except that on the slightly elevated stage for open-mic nights, Harry feels that Tim and Edward don’t exist, that a fan could reach out and wrap a whole arm around his neck and let that be the end of his life as he knows it.

He gives his usual intro and stares at some random point at the far window. It’s so dark outside, he can barely see across the street and it worries him that maybe their bus got hijacked. But he trusts Allen, their driver to be a careful person, trusts Jeff to take care of him, trusts him as much now as he did a month ago, when he passed Harry’s interview with flying colors and brought on with him 5 other men and 4 musicians to handle the fiasco that Harry decided to put himself through.

Harry doesn’t think it has been a fiasco and he certainly doesn’t mind these people surrounding him and trying to get a piece of him. After all, if at the end of the night his fedoras are full, then his mission is complete and really, that’s all he could ask.

‘’I’m going to start by singing an acoustic cover of a song called, ’Life after You.’ By Daughtry. Hope you like it.’’ He says then waits for the guitars to start.

_Last time we talked, the night that I walked  
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind  
I must've been high to say you and I  
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time  
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?  
You know I would die here without you_

He cannot help but drift later that night, back into the past…

It was quite some time near the end of the tour when Harry seriously started to address the changes in his relationship with Louis. And yes, it shouldn’t have taken him a day, let alone the start of the UK and Ireland leg of the tour to let something like that pass him by and slip under his radar without already saying anything. Even if he and Louis had once again broken up before the start of the American leg of the ‘’on the road again’’ Tour, that inherent ability to pick up on his mood changes hadn’t diminished.

The first time he and Louis broke up was at the beginning of the ‘’take me home’’ tour. Throughout the years that followed, their relationship had somewhat been reduced to an on and off series of come backs and breaks and break-ups. Right now, they’re at point no.3 and yet, throughout all those ups and downs, his feelings haven’t changed, not an ounce of it.

Louis is still the first boy he ever kissed and Harry is certain he will be the last boy he ever truly loved, that meant anything to him, regardless of their turbulent relationship.

They had never parted ways out of hate. It’s always been because of love that they’d broken up, as ridiculous as it sounds; sometimes, out of jealousy, sometimes out of spite but never out of hate.

Harry would like to think he allows it, allows Louis to part ways with him whenever he deems it too much to be together, but in truth, Harry has played just as much of a part, perhaps an even stronger one and that is why, no matter who it was that says, ‘’I need a break,’’ Harry is always convinced it’s mutual, that if Louis wants out, so does he, because even in decisions like that, they are still somewhat unanimous, agreeable like they’re deciding on a certain color for the kitchen walls or agreeing to buy a particular mattress. Even in parting, they are always on the same page. Except that sometimes, Harry feels he is just trying to lie to himself.

Recently, things have been more strained than usual. Harry has picked up on Louis’ timings when there used to be none, as in, he knows that when they’re starting off a tour, that’s usually when Louis asks for a break and then comes right back to Harry in the middle of it when the strain gets too much. He knows management have found a way under Louis’ skin. He knows they speak to Louis behind his back. It’s when he confronts Louis about it that shots get fired and there he is, discarded by Louis. It happens every single time, is almost the main reason behind their fights; Harry cannot hold back his tongue, neither can Louis; too used to being honest with each other, to talk things out unfiltered, even in anger. They’re sometimes too stubborn and too in love for their own good.

Harry’s reasons are different. For one, jealousy is not a good color on him. He knows he’s too much, always demands Louis’ attention right then and there and when he doesn’t get it, it blows in his face. Second, he’s a little shit, lets his pride get in the way, because when he doesn’t accept Louis back (and he hates to admit it now, that it was more out of spite than pride), that’s when their breaks turn to break-ups and because Harry is hopelessly in love and stupid sometimes, it doesn’t take long for him to remember Louis’ insecurities and to come groveling, crawling back to Louis. To his surprise, Louis always takes him back; it happens every single time. It’s a part of his guilt; that even though he may not always take Louis back when asked, Louis on the other hand, always, always takes him back, no spite, no pride, no questions.

Therefore, with four tours under his belt, it’s not difficult to recognizes the pattern they’re on. What’s surprising is that Harry is not as bothered as he used to be, because he is always convinced, deep down, regardless of his possessiveness, pride and impatience, that he and Louis will always either meet half-way or end up on each other’s doorsteps.

Lately though, Louis had been extra withdrawn. When the whole Zayn thing happened he and Louis turned to each other like moths to a flame. It was wonderful. They had each other to comfort, they had each other’s back. To Harry, despite the shitty situation, he had Louis and nothing else mattered, not even their careers.

But then Louis broke up with him before they appeared on James Cordon’s tattoo roulette fiasco and they’re still not back together.

And well, he’s pissed.

Not long after, the accident happened.


	3. Louis: Under a blue moon

’’Clubbing tomorrow?’’ Harry asks. He’s not actually paying that much attention, asking the question almost lazily, fingers glued to the keypad of his phone, eyes darting behind him between the seats.

They’ve just finished writing a couple more songs together for their fifth and last album before the hiatus. They were with one of their main song writers Jamie somewhere in Manchester and the weather is awfully dreadful. Louis wished he could’ve comforted Harry himself with blankets and a hot compress, seeing how the boy could hardly keep from shaking apart throughout the day, blowing warmth into his hands while scribbling lyrics, keeping his shoulders up when they finally emerged from the studio to the car and Louis would’ve rubbed a hand up and down his back to warm him, but he knows by now, after four years in the spotlight, how that would turn out if he so much as glanced at Harry with cameras nearby to snap the action.

Right now, he and the Cheshire lad are in a black SUV, with Louis on the wheel, courtesy of Alberto, their new tour manager. Harry didn’t want to wait even a single day before going back to sunny L.A., even though he’d just been there a week ago, having only been back a few days to finalize the album. The singles released during the tour worked wonders for them and it’s not long now before the release of the album, just a week off actually. They start promo soon and then that’s it; a one year-long hiatus.

Louis doesn’t actually mind; with the weather being at its worse, he finds that Harry could use some sunshine for his pale skin that already looks sickly and unhealthy from just a few days in London. Still, though, even after all these years, he’s still the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen.

Louis has come to terms with his feelings towards Harry a long time ago though and till this day, he still thinks deeply affectionate, fond thoughts about him. He knows they won’t ever go away, his feelings and so, with the way things are, have been throughout their careers, the ache in his chest is nothing out of the norm.

They used to be good friends him and Harry, great friends even, and it was that friendship that calmed the turbulence of their relationship as boyfriends. But lately, that had taken a step back. When it came to them being more than mates, they didn’t see eye to eye at all. They disagreed about a lot of things; Louis wanted no one to know but Harry didn’t care. Louis wanted to be cautious but Harry wanted to be reckless. Louis wanted to be private. Harry wanted to be free.

At first, he liked it that way too. It was liberating and so, he let himself be held, let himself be wedged under Harry’s arm around his shoulders in public, let himself get fake-snogged in front of interviewers. All because it was worth the look of utter elation on Harry’s face and being the one who put it there.

But their fans grew bigger, bolder and before Louis knew it, every move he made was being scrutinized and analyzed. Before he knew it, the first interview he and Harry ever did became the last, the first twitter stream they ever did became the last and suddenly, their bromance came to an abrupt stop as well.

Management made a point to Louis, a point he found no fault in but Harry loved his freedom so much that he did not want to be the one to bottle Harry up, to cut off his wings. Harry started looking at him funny when he started to pull away from him and things got weird and soon Louis found it best to distance himself completely and keep their touches and interaction to a minimum. Till this day, he wonders if it was the right thing to do, breaking up with Harry in bits and pieces.

But he was irresistible and his kisses were hard to refuse and before he knew it, they got back together again, in the privacy of their own home, like they couldn’t help it. Still, Louis asked for privacy, that they proceed with caution and at the time, Harry agreed to anything he said just to have him back. Louis honestly couldn’t have lasted either without him. It was just that Harry beat him to it, that’s all.

They found middle ground then, at first that is. But soon, it became a tug of war, a struggle to take turns. One day, Harry would fly Louis to L.A. Another day, Louis doesn’t sit next to him during an interview. Harry would stand next to him during a photo shoot, another, Louis would go catch a cab with Liam instead when they go clubbing.

Lately though, it’s like someone decided to put a permanent cloud above his head with a never ending stream of bad luck. And worse of all, he’s pretty sure it’s been giving Harry all sorts of mixed signals.

Therefore, it would be more than a bit odd that he’s the one driving Harry to Heathrow since nothing between them has been fixed. They’re supposed to be on a break to finish up the album before they start promoting it and it would seem that Harry is just waiting for him to snap out of it already and cuddle and be boyfriends again but so far, Louis still can’t find it in himself to say the word. He’s too wrapped up in his own shit, using Harry as his metaphorical punching bag, shaping him as he pleases, hunching under Louis’ insecurities, all so willing to carry them but Louis just won’t yield in his stubbornness. He feels fucked up, like the fate of the band rests on him, like he’ll trip if he tries to step out of line even just an inch.

He doesn’t know how to tell Harry that he will be alright without him, when he’s not sure of the future like he always used to be.

He knows he needs to talk to Harry before the boy flies back to L.A., or at least if he’s too much of a coward, to talk to Harry before they start touring again. Hence the car ride.

Liam and Niall are in the car behind them. Liam invited the Irish lad to stay a couple of days in Wolverhampton before he is to fly off back to Mullingar. Looking at the rearview mirror, he sees that they are a couple of cars behind them, along with Jamie’s and Julian’s cars. They are all on the same road and would separate at some intersection. Looking back at Harry, Louis sighs.

Harry is busy playing ‘’dare or dare’’ with Liam and Niall (yes, they renamed the game just because) on the phone while Louis is focused on the road. He wonders if Harry is doing it on purpose ignoring him or if they have been so out of reach with each other that it’s become normal for Harry to look the other way even when no cameras are around. The answer is clearly right in front of him, what with Harry’s detached voice and wary question which was what? Oh yes, something about clubbing.

‘’Not feeling up for it really,’’ Louis answers, eyes focused on the road. He too, has gotten used to the space between them since he’s the one who created it. The reminder sits heavy in his bones and he almost grips the wheel tighter just to have something to hold unto and keep himself safe from something awful like drowning in the car. ‘’Just want to sleep the coming days.’’

The clicking sound stops and Louis feels a prick at the back of his neck. He knows, even after all the time he spends choosing to look the other way that Harry is looking right at him.

‘’You don’t have to drive me all the way across London if you’re tired,’’ he says, ever so polite. It’s funny how Harry hasn’t changed a bit in terms of personality. He is still the most kind-hearted, most loving cherub of a person that Louis’ ever known and it makes him wonder if Louis has truly been so dreadful towards him that he’s changed in nothing but in his attitude towards Louis. Not to say that he’s rude to Louis or something but in the many times that Louis has found himself in such a delicate position, Louis never counted on tasting his own poison, never counted that in ignoring Harry, Harry would ignore him back. It still hurts, every single time.

‘’Um, no I really don’t mind.’’ Louis shrugs, trying to be nonchalant and hopes he’s not blushing because Harry is still looking at him. He can feel it, no matter how hard he remains focused on the non-moving traffic ahead of him. ‘’Driving keeps me awake, so.’’

‘’Yeah, I remember.’’ Harry chuckles and isn’t that just sad, that Louis is just a mere remembrance now? Louis tries not to sink into his seat from all the weight.

Honestly, he can hardly remember what he and Harry fought over this time around. However, it always surprises him, every single time, how Harry, after shouting back at him and hurtling curses at him, would eventually just nod in understanding.

Back in Australia, he and Harry got back together briefly, but then the Eleanor break-up happened and Louis felt betrayed, accusing Harry of having something to do with blowing his cover or something like that. Harry didn’t accept him back when they started their Asian Tour and he understood why; it was one of their most bitter fights to date. But it wasn’t long before Harry yielded, the whole Zayn thing making it easier for him to welcome Harry into his arms, needing the comfort just as much. But then the American leg began and they had another gruesome fight. Only this time, When Harry asked that they, _‘’knock it off and cuddle already’’_ at the start of the UK and Ireland leg, for the first time ever perhaps, it was Louis who refused. It wasn’t because Louis didn’t want him back. It was because he had other concerns in mind. That had proven to be a waste of time considering the concern didn’t go away.

It’s always been like a vicious cycle between them. Yet, when they’re on one of their break-ups, everything feels so permanent to Louis. They always get back together, sure, but it’s been such a dreadful time and right now, it feels more or less permanent, like his anger that he doesn’t think would ever go away or his past, haunting him and coming back with a vengeance. And so with the way things are with Harry, it feels like his days are constant trips down memory lane now. Harry doesn’t seem aware that he’s doing it, reminding Louis of what part of him he has and it makes Louis angry because he gave those parts _willingly_. As it is, he knows he can never be angry with Harry for that but having a somewhat great amount of control lost is frustrating.

A bit upset by his stream of thoughts, he turns on the radio on low and Pearl Jam comes on. Harry laughs and Louis inadvertently looks sideways, wondering if it has to do with the song and sees Harry looking at his phone screen with bright eyes, probably laughing at some crude joke from Niall or some lame one from Liam.

Harry has grown quite close to them, closer than ever before and Louis knows the feeling because he’s just as close to them too. It’s funny how he and Harry are acting the exact same way, using Niall and Liam as buffer rather than isolating themselves. Some things never change.

He used to get told a lot how he and Harry share the same mannerisms, how sometimes they move the same, mirroring each other. He used to believe it too, back when they used to gravitate towards one another in a seemingly effortless way but now Louis can hardly recognize himself. He’d put so much effort into the distance he’d built slowly between him and Harry that the thought of setting foot towards the lad feels odd. Mostly, he feels incapacitated with guilt and it makes him unable to even take one single step.

The road ahead starts to pick up so he slides the gearshift and moves too. Soon, he’s right in front the railway tracks, the wooden blockage lowering and stopping him from going further with the other cars. Louis groans, impatient. The rain pelts harder on the roof of the car, making Louis wonder if it’s soon going to rain ice. He wonders how cold it is outside but considering that it’s already night time, he can only imagine it’s beyond freezing.

Five minutes later though, the heavy rain stops and another Pearl Jam song come up. There is no moon in the sky and though the heater is on, Louis shivers. He loves the cold only when he’s under warm blankets but not when he’s on some slippery highway after midnight, stuck in traffic.

Harry laughs again and it’s a bit of a relief. Regardless of their silent treatments and shifty eyes, Harry’s presence is still a source of comfort and safety, still a source of relief and warmth. Louis remembers their concert in Dubai, how Harry was all over the place, thanking the fans between songs like a broken record, falling over his bambi legs and almost landing on his bum one too many times throughout the show. Louis likes seeing him having fun, but he likes it better when he can keep an eye on him, keep him always in his sight. It’s why he doesn’t move around much on stage, lets his eyes do all the wandering. That day, he couldn’t keep still though, watching Harry run back and forth across the stage, though unsettling, made him loosen up and have fun too.

‘’It stopped raining,’’ Louis blinks and realizes that Harry spoke. When he looks at him, he sees Harry looking out the window, focused on the little drizzle leftover after the heavy pelting.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says in way of acknowledgment.

It’s silent again, par from the low hum of the radio and as always it’s as stifling as it is normal. Louis doesn’t know how something so agonizing as silence between them became the norm when before, they always, always used to talk, always found new thoughts to spill, new stories to tell, even if they’d both lived those tales they spoke of. Now, it’s nothing but this, waiting for something to break, something big to happen.

‘’Oh is that so, Irish?’’ Louis looks at Harry again and sees the boy smirking as he shifts his eyes from the screen of his cell phone to the back window which is stupid because there’s no way he can see Niall from his seat all the way to the car Niall’s in or for Niall to have heard his challenging tone. However, Louis decides to indulge.

‘’What’s the dare?’’ he asks warily.

‘’He wants me to run to his car and back.’’ Harry says with a glint in his eyes as he types quickly. Louis knows what’s about to happen.

‘’Haz, c’mon, we’ll be moving soon.’’ He tries but Harry is already buttoning up his coat and shoving his phone in his pocket.

‘’Will be back soon. Count to ten yeah? Am not losing this bet,’’ he smiles his all so famous dimpled smile then he’s opening the door and he’s gone. Louis’ words of warning get stuck and lost, too late to get them out. He groans and tries not to be too fond or too upset at Harry’s absence.

When he looks back at the road, he notices that the rain has picked up again. He sighs, already wary of the fact that Harry is going to catch a cold from this and no sunny day in L.A. is going to fix that. Harry has always been easily prone to catch a cold and it helped Louis exercise his only specialty in the kitchen, which was making soup. He’s been out of practice lately though and well, he tries not to think why because he already knows the answer.

He tries to focus on the road and squints from where he’s sitting. He’s not sure but he thinks he can see a cargo train coming from a distance, if the thrumming beneath the car is any indication. He also finds himself thinking about reconciling with Harry. He needs to do it soon, that much is certain and then maybe he’ll tell him everything. He doesn’t know where to get the strength to pull that off.

Sometimes he feels like such a failure. All he’s ever wanted was privacy to preserve their relationship, to protect Harry from the onslaught of hate and nosiness into their affairs. To Louis, what happens behind closed doors ought to stay behind closed doors and he certainly doesn’t want outsiders to speculate on what he and Harry do or don’t and for that to be used against them.

It’s happened before, when news of them sharing a hotel room would spread or even simply sharing a dressing room. He hates what people say behind his back, or even worse, Harry’s. He doesn’t like it, even now, no matter how many times Harry would tell him to ignore it. He just can’t.

Maybe he is as possessive as Harry and that’s a stretch because Harry is almost diabolically possessive or so he'd been told. He just wants their relationship to remain between them, not shared with the world, or anyone. He doesn’t want to hold Harry’s hand and let people see and take pictures and post photos of it on social media like it’s theirs too. No, it’s his. Harry is his and no one else’s.

He feels tired just thinking these thoughts, but he doesn’t feel bad. He only does when Harry tries to compromise with him. He doesn’t like Harry losing though, even against himself and yup, it makes him pathetic but he’s an idiot in love so whatever.

Headlights flash against his eyes but when he looks up, he catches the rearview mirror. He sees Harry jogging back with a wide grin on his face, covering his phone screen with one hand while peering at it, no regard to where he’s setting one foot over another. Louis shakes his head fondly. He can almost bet that Harry will trip at least once before he reaches the car.

The headlights flash again of what he presumes is a massive truck but it’s too dark to tell. This time though, it’s accompanied by the steaming horn of the approaching train coming at his left. Louis focuses on the dark road ahead and well…

Louis has been known to never be early in anything except when waking up and that’s usually due to work commitments and not because he wants to be. He’s become an early morning riser because of it and a late sleeper by will, which makes him vulnerable to tiredness in the late afternoons and stubbornly choosing not to admit so until Harry drags him for a nap then brags later on about how Louis slept right away, snoring his nose off and clinging to him like a personal pillow. It is not endearing no matter what their handlers or band mates say.

And well, for all his tardiness in every other aspect, he was right on time to see his life flash before his eyes, or to be more precise, that is what he expected to see.

All he saw was Harry, straightening up from where he almost tripped against a vehicle two cars behind his from the side-mirror, apologizing to the shadow of the driver with a simple wave and a mouthed sorry, approaching the passenger seat of Louis’ Range Rover quickly.

Louis has to do something.

That’s all he could think of, what his muscles could think of, what his arms and legs and every atom in his body could think of, springing him into action as he turns the car sideways, shoves his foot on the gas so hard that when the car skids to a stop, he can almost smell the burn of rubber on the wet road. He knows what’s going to happen next, knows the massive truck is going to collide with his car and perhaps even topple over and crush him but all he does is free himself from the seatbelt, leans over the gearshift to open the passenger door and screams, ‘’Hazza, get down!!!!’’

_The screaming tyres_

_The busting glass_

_The painful scream that I heard last…_


	4. be patient with my love

‘’Fifa?’’

‘’Sure, mate.’’

They’re in the bus, all three of them. Zayn is already sleeping in one of the bunk beds in the back but Niall and Liam decided to stay up for a while, just messing about on their phones. Bored with the silence, the proposed Fifa game sounds like a good idea.

As they both picks up a controller and start their game, things got a bit rowdier between them, as it always is during these late night past times.

Ten minutes into the game, the bus door busts open, startling Niall to drop crisps everywhere and Liam to look up from the game before pausing it.

‘’Hey, I’m talking to you! Harry, wait!’’

Like a strong gust of wind, Harry and Louis pass in front of them, with Harry practically dragging Louis behind him by the grip he has on his wrist and Louis failing to skid them to a stop.

There’s a look of anguish on Louis’ face and angry tears in Harry’s eyes but as they disappear into the back, Liam sighs.

It’s been getting all angst between them ever since Louis and Harry broke up and Louis decided to start dating Eleanor. That’s where they’ve been parked, to pick Louis up from dropping Eleanor off at the airport before continuing on with their next stop on their ‘’up all night’’ tour.

They just didn’t know that when Harry said he’d go fetch Louis that they’d end up returning looking like this.

‘’Look, Harry it’s only been one date, okay?’’

‘’Do you love her?’’

‘’What’s in it for you? Why do I have to tell you anything?’’

Silence.

Liam and Niall exchange glances, the game paused between them, not sure what to do. It’s not like they can escape the bus, especially now that it has started moving.

The shouting starts again.

‘’You and I know both know why I’m entitled!’’

‘’Entitled? You actually think you can say stuff like that to me, you possessive prick!?’’

They hear a clutter and both heads turn up to see Zayn, sleepily leaning his body against the entry way to the lounge area, head held against the wood with wary eyes.

‘’They’re at it again?’’ he croaks.

‘’What else is new?’’ Niall tries for a light-hearted tone but it falls flat as the shouts turn from angry to hurt.

‘’What the hell, Lou?’’

‘’Don’t call me that…’’

‘’I’ll call you whatever I want…’’

‘’Oh for fuck’s…’’

‘’You said you needed space, you said I asked too much of you, you said you couldn’t hold my hand in public, so you go hold hers instead?’’

‘’Because no one will fucking judge me for it!’’

‘’Who cares about anyone else? I for one have never and will never judge you for it!’’

Silence.

Liam and Niall are stone frozen where they’re sat on the couch, eyes to the floor, sad and resigned. Zayn remains standing, expressionless. They hear inaudible murmur before their voices rise again.

‘’Louis, I love you! Why can’t you accept that?’’

‘’They will hurt you!’’

‘’And you think this doesn’t hurt more?’’

‘’Harry, don’t be dramatic.’’

‘’Lou, don’t water this down. I love you and I know you. I know the truth.’’

‘’Then why didn’t you work with me on it? You know I don’t like people’s eyes on me, on us. You know that.’’ There’s more murmuring, followed by a sniffle.

‘’Okay, alright. I’ll work with you. Relationships are all about compromise, yeah? I’ll be a bit more reserved, okay? I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t…’’ a hitched sound permeates the air and they know; the boys know that tears are rolling.

‘’Just don’t choose her over me, okay? Don’t do that to me.’’

‘’Haz, come here.’’

They don’t laugh when the kissing sounds start. They just smile sadly and Liam and Niall resume the game.


	5. Harry: I still believe

It’s been two months since Louis’ accident, three months after the band’s official hiatus began and Harry is drunk, which, come to think of, was not so shitty of a decision two hours ago.

You see, he had planned to continue weeping his eyes out the moment that bloody nightmare woke him up in a panic frenzy but he’d cried enough. Honestly, he really doesn’t want to put his eyes through that so drinking it is.

Except that now, he has a show to do, a small one yes, but still a show. The barman keeps looking at him, perhaps waiting for him to take the stage or something. The place is not full though so Harry isn’t really in a hurry. But his crew had already been paid so it would be rude to not get a move on. Harry doesn’t really care about the money, but his crew is not on _Forbe’s_ under-thirty-rich list so he shows the barman some mercy.

Harry sighs as he gets up, clutches the bar before tripping. He feels unsteady and is aware of Tim approaching with an indescribable expression.

Tim clutches his elbow and drags his arm around his shoulder, a big hand around Harry’s waist. He feels like Paul, Harry thinks. He misses Paul. He also misses Louis.

‘’You can’t do this, Harry. You’re drunk.’’ Tim chastises sternly and well, why point out something he already knows?

‘’I need to sing for him,’’ Harry slurs, completely inebriated. ‘’I wrote a new song for him that I need to play.’’

‘’You always write songs for him.’’ Tim mutters as he pulls Harry towards the mini-stage. It’s such a small café, in some hidden corner of the town he’s in, which he really isn’t sure where. He doesn’t know what state he’s in, let alone what town. Louis would know; he’s good with answering Harry’s questions, always. Hm, he looks around.

‘’Where’s Lou?’’ he slurs at Tim when his searching is deemed futile. ‘’I need to ask him something.’’

Tim sighs and looks at Harry sadly, like he’s broken or something which is strange because he isn’t. Louis is broken, not him. Damn accident. Damn all his secrets.

‘’You want to call him?’’ Tim offers. ‘’We can go back to the bus and cancel the show today if you’d like.’’

Cancel the show? Harry wonders with a frown. They never cancel shows. Even when Niall broke his foot, when he himself broke his foot, they didn’t cancel and isn’t it funny?

They wore boots and lumped their feet around on stage at one point in their lives but they didn’t cancel. Liam’s arm was in a cast and they didn’t cancel. He and Louis lost their voices on two separate occasions and they still didn’t cancel. He wants to mention it but knows the right people aren’t around to get him. Louis isn’t with him. It’s the worse feeling in the world.

‘’I’m so alone.’’ He mutters, eyes dimming, collecting tears. ‘’I want Lou.’’

‘’Hey, hey, Harry c’mon, none of that.’’ Tim says, concern evident in his voice. He stops by the edge of the stage and pushes Harry up against the wall to balance him off. Harry’s eyes are roaming the place, green eyes lost and afraid.

‘’Harry, don’t do this to yourself.’’ Tim whispers to him. The lights are dimmer here than when they were at the bar, lights solely on the stage, casting shadows across Harry’s face and like this, Tim sees how young he is, how scarred he is by the past, how Louis’ accident didn’t just hurt Louis but him too.

‘’Harry…’’

‘’I want him to hear my songs,’’ Harry whines, looking at the stage like it holds the power to absolve his sins.

‘’He loves them,’’ he turns back to Tim and tells him, like a child telling his mommy that he didn’t take a cookie from the cookie jar. ‘’I write them about him and he always tells me he loves them.’’

‘’Harry, I believe you but you’re dru…’’

‘’I want to sing,’’ Harry ignores him and stumbles towards the stage. He almost trips massively, but his big hands land on a beam next to the stage and holds him up, Tim’s hands on his hips to keep him straight. Harry soldiers on to the few steps up the stage and wobbles towards the stool. Edward is there, and he holds the stool for Harry as the lad takes a seat, as if knowing that Harry would topple all over if he tries to sit by himself. Harry doesn’t notice the exchange between Tim and Edward above his head. He just grips the mic and looks out at the few people in the place. It’s a quiet night and with his bloodshot eyes, he’s thankful.

‘’Hello,’’ he says, forgetting that Edward is still on stage, who curses as he scurries off. The spotlight is a bit intense and it sobers him up a bit. But it doesn’t help much because he drank to forget and now he remembers his nightmare and it feels like rolling in a washing machine, over and over again.

‘’I almost lost someone a few months ago. Shit,’’ he laughs at himself, a stray tear unexpectedly escapes and his chin to wipe it off quickly. ‘’Sorry; horrible way to start a show, eh?’’

No one pays attention, or at least, no one pays attention the way all his fans did when he was dancing and jumping and being all gangly and sexy on a stadium runway. There are eyes on him, sure, but they are eyes that don’t know his story, eyes of people who haven’t followed his career since it was born. He feels almost safe by the thought. For all the freedom that he’s gotten, sometimes, he still feels trapped and caged. Now though, that feeling is not close by.

‘’Sorry about that,’’ he says, looking out, trying to make out faces the way he used to do when he wanted to pay particular attention to fans. What can he say? Old habits die hard.

‘’Anyway, am gonna start with a cover of a song. If you love Cheryl Crow, here’s a cover of one of my favorite songs of hers. But before we start, I’d just like to say that, if you like tonight’s show...’’ He spouts his usual about donating to charities and honestly, he doesn’t know how he managed not to slur through that, is pretty sure he took up stage time by making his speech all slow with his drawl even more evident with his inebriated self, but what can one say? He’s Harry Styles. Talking at the pace of a turtle is his thing and it’s long been something to be affected by.

The music starts.

_Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe  
  
I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe  
  
That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe  
  
Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key  
  
Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe_

He sings a song that he wrote called ‘’two ghosts’’ after the Cheryl cover and pretty much cries at the end of it. He doesn’t call Liam that night nor does he fall asleep without weeping.


	6. Harry: Midnight memories

They told him the day right after the accident, that he was in a state of shock not unusual in such traumatic cases and that is why, it was necessary that they sedate him on the scene of the accident. It made sense, since nothing else did at the time.

Waking up the day after was so confusing and to be told something as simple as that, brought back some necessary focus. After all, he was so lacking of it that night, lacking of brains, of caution. Louis’ Range Rover getting hit by a jack-knifed truck ought to not have made his first instinct reaction to charge towards the burning vehicle but to step away for mere instinct survival.

Thinking back, it shouldn’t have surprised anyone that that wasn’t what he did. No, after being blown some feet away by the explosion, he rose up to see something akin to awful, saw a bulldozer of a truck’s front compartment get hit by a speeding cargo train causing its massive body to tumble over and land right on Louis’ range rover before exploding atop of it. Even the sound of the train’s screeching on the metal tracks did not put Harry in place nor the people running away from the fire made him see that he ought to do the same; either stay where he is or run the opposite direction.

It only spurred him to move as fast as he could towards the wreckage. He wasn’t aware, until being told about it later on, that he’d been screaming like a fucking maniac, spitting Louis’ name out over and over again, crying and facing the fire head-on before Julian gripped him around the waist and pulled him back. They told him he fought Julian back so fucking hard, he elbowed him so badly he bruised the man’s side and punched him twice then tried to jump for the crushed car again. Niall and Liam and even Paul intervened though and held him down until a paramedic approached with a syringe and knocked him out.

‘’Proper deranged, man.’’ Niall had joked but it had fallen flat.

It made sense when he’d woken up then, why he felt groggy and confused, why his fingers, palms, knuckles and arms up to his elbows were bandaged. And yet, the first question out of his mind wasn’t how it all happened without him being aware of it, but if Louis made it.

They told him he did and they also told him that if Louis hadn’t pulled his car over the opposite side of the road, the truck would have whipped him away from how fast its momentum was. Apparently, the truck driver fell asleep on the wheel and the cargo-train was too close to pull the brakes, hitting the truck straight on, causing the truck to topple over it. Louis blocking the truck broke its momentum a split second before it could hit Harry and well...

Harry had thought he did get hit because the blast was so great. The bandages were covering burns on his arms not scratches from his vicious toss with the lads and his bodyguards. Till this day, Louis saving his life that night sits like a dead weight on his chest, irreplaceable.

He had demanded to see Louis at once, burning pain up his arms be damned but that was shot down. He had asked why and they had told him Louis was not doing well. He demanded to see the doctor then, his voice rising up into a fucking storm.

Jay’s approval was a must and only through her was he able to find out what happened to Louis. It took her hours to arrive and Harry was not to be calmed down. Even when she did arrive, he was pushed back unto his bed to let Jay hear the news first. It was a little over an hour later when Jay had finally stepped into his room…

‘’He’s still in surgery,’’ she tells him. Her eyes are downcast, bloodshot. She must be so tired, driving up to the hospital at the wee hours of the morning, having to wake the kids up, leaving them all behind with Dan, who had to call off work for the both of them. Harry is sitting up on his own hospital bed and is considering giving it to her to have a lie down. The nurse told him he needed to rest though. He obeyed her orders while his bandages were being re-dressed but he refused the painkillers. He wants to be alert for any news on Louis.

‘’Till now?’’ Harry reels in shock. Looking at the solemn looks on the boys and the other men scattered around the room, she is not joking. He frowns; he knows they were on the highway a little past midnight and looking up at the clock, he notices that it’s 8 am now. The idea of Louis being in surgery for more than six hours does not sit well with him.

‘’Yeah, a Jane something, she’s like a medical advisor and she explained the situation.’’ Jay continued, arms wrapped around herself, rubbing up and down her forearm.

‘’And?’’ His stomach seems to claw at him from the inside out with dread.

She shakes her head like she’s too stubborn to admit the reality of what is happening and it is so reminiscent to Louis’ own stubbornness that it makes Harry ache.

She also looks to be shaking allover with dread too but Harry’s not sure. He remembers seeing his mother shake similarly a long time ago, back when he was much younger and he’d climbed a tree in the backyard of his home in Holmes Chapel. He was so young, maybe seven or eight. He doesn’t know what made him jump from such a great height of an oak tree instead of climbing back down. His mom had seen the whole thing from the kitchen window and came out running towards him oh so terrified. He was lucky he didn’t sprain his ankle and rather, embarrassingly just bruised his bum.

He doesn’t get offended when they tell him he is such a mama’s boy because the care he sees in her eyes is so grounding, so humbling, he’ll treasure it forever. But he wishes he never made her face go pale like it did that day, wishes he could take back every moment he ever caused her to be scared for him. He makes a mental note to apologize to her one day, perhaps during a birthday or something, because of the many horrifying moments Harry has experienced in his life, nothing beats last night, nor what Jay tells him next. 

‘’He’s a mess,’’ she says in an exhale. ‘’They don’t have to say that for me to know. I know bad accidents when I see one and…’’

‘’Jay,’’ Liam says gently but stops. Jay just keeps shaking his head.

‘’How could this happen?’’ she says, her nails digging into her biceps. ‘’Why the hell was he going to Heathrow? He should’ve been driving home instead.’’ Her voice stutters and she bites her lower lip. Not once has her eyes looked at Harry since she had come into his room and Harry wonders if she’s blaming him and well, if it will ease her pain, so be it.

‘’He was driving me there,’’ he says quietly. Jay’s hands still but she doesn’t look up. ‘’I wanted to go back to L.A. He offered to drive me before heading back to his home in London.’’

He wonders if Jay would snap out of it and slap him if he told her that he wanted to go to L.A. because he couldn’t stand the weather.

Instead, Jay nods, her eyes downcast.

‘’I see.’’

‘’I’m sorry…’’ he starts but Jay shakes her head.

‘’Not your fault,’’ she finally looks up at him but only briefly, to offer those three, honest words.

They don’t say much after that, even though Harry is dying to know how Louis’ surgery is progressing. Instead, Niall goes to the cafeteria to get them some food and their three lyricists bid a farewell and promise to come back. Harry wants to apologize to Julian but he can’t really think of anything other than Louis, fighting for his life or if he is at all. He doesn’t know what to think anymore.


	7. Harry: scared of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by lady antebellum's ''ready to love again''

Louis is bored and tired which is different from a just bored Louis. See, a bored Louis would wreak havoc and start stealing golf carts and breaking into the venues they’re playing in. A bored and tired Louis doesn’t want anyone to think he’s an old man so he looks for anyone who is just as tired or more and starts babying them. It goes without saying that if Niall is not around, Harry is his top priority to baby.

That’s not to say that Harry takes full advantage. Or well, maybe just a little. See, Louis gives the best back massages, the best foot rubs and when Louis Tomlinson offers you a cuddle, you take it, hands down, no questions asked.

Yet, it still surprises him every time because he is used to being asked to do stuff like that for the boys, genuinely loves being their baby brother. He likes tying Niall’s shoe laces when he sees that the bunny ears have been unraveled, or pick up Liam’s mic when he drops it while crazy dancing on stage.

So it’s nice when Louis’ attention is solely focused on him. Really, really nice. But every single time, it still genuinely surprises him.

‘’Hazza!’’ Louis says when he walks into the room. He’d been looking for an unoccupied couch to lie down, his back acting up. But he lights up like a Christmas tree when Louis grins at him.

‘’Hey Lou, whatcha doin?’’ he asks, hugging Louis from behind and peering over his shoulder.

‘’Heard Niall cough.’’ Louis says with a shake of his head. ‘’How can that boy forget to drink his lemon tea knowing he has to sing tonight? Bloody Irish.’’

Harry stifles his laugh, amused. Louis always does that; every time Niall does something silly or cute or just all round funny, he always says ‘’Bloody Irish’’ with the fondest voice.

‘’Lemon tea is important.’’ He offers, keeping his hand wound around Louis’ waist. They’re good which, is not a rarity but he likes it when they’re on even grounds, likes that the days between the bad ones are not so rare as before.

‘’D’you want one, love?’’ Louis asks as he stirs the hot liquid. Harry shakes his head.

‘’No, I’m good. I’m more of a Yorkshire tea meself.’’

He knows what those words do and he’s right; Louis brightens up like the fucking sun and it feels like an accomplishment, making Louis smile like that.

‘’That’s weird, so am I.’’ Louis grins before he turns around, pecks Harry on the lips then moves towards the door, holding the mug with both hands.

‘’Hey, where’re you goin?’’ Harry pouts, following Louis to the door like a lost puppy.

‘’Get back in there. I’ll just be a moment.’’ Louis says with a fond eye roll, pushing Harry with one hand on his chest. Harry doesn’t yield. Instead, he puckers his lips like a frog, hands behind his back.

‘’Kiss first please.’’ He says, knowing full well that Louis will comply.

Louis rolls his eyes dramatically but it’s obvious he is very pleased. Harry is very good at pleasing people, is a champion at pleasing Louis.

‘’Fine, fine.’’ Louis pulls Harry by the collar and pecks his lips one, two three times in quick succession for anyone to notice. Harry is not as bothered even though maybe he should be. Even among their crew, Louis doesn’t like to display too much affection, even though they know. He says he doesn’t want to get caught. Mostly though, Harry knows he is just shy of being like that with Harry, likes to keep that type of softness behind closed doors. It’s endearing when he’s in a good mood, like now.

‘’Now, wait for me in there like a good boy or else no back rubs for you. I know it’s been acting up. Go.’’ He shoves Harry back into the room with a gentle push and struts away down the hall, avoiding backstage handlers with practiced ease.

Harry watches Louis go with a light feel in his chest. Louis is so good at that, so good at reading his moods and his quirks, so good at reading the changes behind his eyes and his different smiles. It’s nice.

So, he goes back to the room and sits down on the couch carefully, pulling out his phone. Liam is leaning up against the wall near the food table, talking in a hushed tone with Sophia. They’re sweet, her and Liam and Harry genuinely likes her. He hopes they last.

He opens up a pdf of a book on his phone. It’s one of the many pdfs Louis had downloaded for him and Harry smiles at the memory of Louis sorting through his list of unread paperbacks then purchasing a soft copy of each of them from amazon before downloading them on his phone.

 _‘’Your back is already acting up enough as it is. No need to keep packing paperbacks and add to it, Harold.’’_ Louis had chastised him when he caught Harry packing the hunger games book series into his carry-on. It took three whole days for Louis to get all those books downloaded so even though Harry prefers the weight of a book in his hands rather than torturing his eyes and reading through a small screen, he let Louis have his way and thanked him for his efforts. He still packed some books anyway but Louis doesn’t need to know. Besides, it does help sometimes. You see, Harry tends to forget to bookmark his pages and he doesn’t like to dog-ear his pages like Louis does, so the bookmark button on his pdfs helps in that.

He opens up ‘’Life of Pi’’ and scrolls to the bookmarked page. He’s just about to finish a page when Louis comes back to the room, yawning. He stretches his arms up and a sliver of skin appears where his stomach used to be. Harry zeroes in on the sight of the toned surface and tan skin, tries to act cool about it.

‘’So, how about that back massage?’’ Louis offers, blinking the tiredness from his eyes. He sits behind Harry, bum on the back of the couch and puts his hands on Harry’s shoulders. But Harry leans all the way back, the back of his head thudding gently with Louis’ stomach. Looking up, he sees Louis’ fringe hanging over his forehead and well, it’s quite the sight or maybe that Louis is just genuinely beautiful in all angles.

‘’How about you cuddle with me?’’ he asks, hooking his arms over Louis’ calves.

‘’Hmm,’’ Louis contemplates. He leans forward, his arms wound loosely around Harry’s neck so his lips move against Harry’s temple.

‘’How about I do both? Of course not both at the same time but like, I can massage your back first then cuddle with you after.’’ Louis pulls back to gauge his reaction and well, it’s such a tempting offer but Harry can see how tired Louis looks. He hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, sending Harry back to their shared bunk bed just to finish writing his thoughts down for a new song. Harry doesn’t know what time he’d slept but he’s sure it was pretty late.

At the same time, he doesn’t like to refuse Louis anything, especially when he’s being sweet.

‘’Okay,’’ he says quietly and Louis lights up, pecks his temple then pushes Harry forward gently. Harry ducks his head and smiles, eyes on his phone as Louis works the kinks out of his back.

‘’What’re you reading?’’ Louis asks, looking over his shoulder, all interested and curious.

‘’Life of Pi,’’ Harry manages to say while stifling a groan. Damn back. But Louis’ wonderful fingers are magical. God bless Louis’ wonderful fingers.

‘’Is it any good?’’

‘’It’s better than the movie but,’’ Harry breathes out, feeling his muscles relaxing as Louis works his back like bread dough. ‘’I’ve never watched the movie so I can’t really know that. I just heard people saying that so,’’

‘’I see.’’ Louis’ voice is a bit strained as he works his hands. Harry worries for his dainty wrists, which Louis had broken multiple times before. If it were up to Harry, Louis would never lift a heavy thing in his life or ever strain them. But he likes Louis’ touch on his body, like right now. What a predicament. Sometimes, he can’t help but wonder if his selfishness is the true core of their arguments but no point in thinking that way when he and Louis are standing on stable grounds.

‘’But wasn’t the director of that movie Ang Lee?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Was he really?’’ Harry looks back, surprised.

‘’Yup,’’ Louis nods as he turns Harry back around and works on the middle expanse of Harry’s back, right where Harry wants.

‘’Maybe we should watch the movie,’’ Harry says before turning back to his phone.

‘’It’s a date then,’’ Louis says casually but before Harry can come up with something cheesy, his back cracks so beautifully, he feels his muscles loosening up. This time he doesn’t hold back a satisfied groan. Louis chuckles, smirk evident in his voice which means he is satisfied by Harry’s reaction. God, he’s amazing. ‘’Well, go on. Don’t let me stop you, big guy.’’

‘’Heyyy,’’ Harry says, looking up at him.

‘’What?’’ Louis says cheekily.

‘’If I’m big, then you’re tiny.’’ Harry says with a wiggle to his eyebrows.

‘’Oi, watch it!’’ Louis warns but there’s a smile to his voice so Harry just chuckles. Whenever someone makes a comment about their height difference, Louis never lets them get away with it. Harry hates to say it and Louis would skin him if he finds out, but he can’t help but find that amusing.

Harry shakes his head fondly and continues reading. Not long after, Liam joins them and sits down and he and Louis start talking about their plans after the show. Liam is pulling his cards out tonight, suggesting a night club here, a concert there. Harry’s glad that Louis declines though; he wants his boy to rest.

‘’Feeling better?’’ Harry snaps out of it when Louis pulls him back, his head resting against Louis’ stomach. And well, he does feel better.

‘’Much better,’’ he says honestly.

‘’Good,’’ Louis brushes his hair back. ‘’Do you still want that cuddle or perhaps a cup of tea?’’

‘’Would you like one?’’ he likes making Louis tea so of course he perks up at the chance.

‘’No, not really.’’ Louis shrugs. ‘’Just had one an hour ago. Thought you’d want one.’’

‘’No, thank you. I’d like that cuddle, please.’’ Harry puckers his lips and tilts his head. Kisses from Louis are never enough and he wants one any chance he could get.

‘’Okay,’’ Louis pecks his lips then the side of his nose for good measure before scooting down the couch. He lies back against the arm rest and pulls Harry to him. Harry is quick to get them both in the position that he likes best. He drapes himself over Louis, one arm around his waist and the other on his chest, still clutching his phone. He rests his forehead against Louis’ neck, feeling his pulse. It’s the best sound in the world and Harry goes back to reading, feeling serene and happy.

Louis naps a bit, if the way his chest is exhaling and inhaling is any indication and Harry lets him be. Half an hour into it, he feels Louis wake up, feels him watch him scroll down the pages before he talks.

‘’Are you reading a good part?’’ he croaks out before he clears his voice, fingers coming alive and combing through Harry’s hair, the other moving from his hip and coming up to rest on Harry’s wrist on his chest.

‘’Kinda,’’ Harry says honestly. ‘’Makes me think, I guess.’’

‘’What is it about?’’ Louis asks, looking at Harry and not the phone. Even after four years, Harry tries not to squirm under Louis’ attention so he keeps his eyes on the screen.

It’s funny how this happens all the time. Louis would always ask about the books he reads but never pick them up to read it himself. Not that Louis is not into books, he’s just one of those guys that don’t have the patience for it unless they have time and right now they don’t. Harry can read everywhere even on a plane or in a restaurant waiting for someone. Louis would rather read when he’s got a whole week off, can’t bear putting off a good book without trying to finish it off in one sitting if he could. That’s just the way they are.

‘’I can read it to you if you’d like,’’ Harry offers. ‘’The part that’s making me think, I mean.’’

‘’Alright,’’ he rubs Harry’s wrist in encouragement and doesn’t take his eyes off him. Harry clears his throat and hopes his blush is not too obvious. But if Liam’s quiet smile and glance up from his own phone is any indication, he suspects he is not doing a very good job hiding his affections for Louis right now.

‘ _’ “I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”’’_

To this day, Harry wonders if his fear of losing Louis is what made him genuinely lose him after the tour.


	8. harry: wish I were brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by, “Let the Rain” by Sara Bareilles

At 9:00 a.m. Louis gets out of surgery. But their hope is shot down when half an hour later his spleen bursts and his left lung ruptures, and he’s back on a cold, white slate.

Harry loses his appetite at that. He can’t eat when everything feels so uncertain, when his fears feel so very real, like a big black hole. He tries to will his mind to stay focused but he can’t help but go blank. The world continues to rotate and move without him.

At 11 am, Jane comes back in. Niall is dozing off, his head resting by Harry’s hip. Harry’s eyes leave the ceiling; his fingers loosen up around the cross he’d been clutching as he sits up and nudges Niall awake.

‘’Any news?’’ he croaks out then clears his throat. Jane is a middle-aged woman, thin and wiry with white hairs escaping her bun. She’s got thin lips and bony cheekbones. Harry can’t help but think she looks like the British version of Olive’s mom in ‘Easy A’.

Jane waits while Liam fetches Jay from the balcony where’s she’d gone for some air. Jay sees Jane and pales but otherwise remains quiet. Aside from his band mates and Jay, Alberto and Preston and Gavin, the band’s manager, are in the room. Gavin is the only man in the room wearing a suit, having arrived an hour ago, too busy doing press and damage control.

The room is silent, it’s stifling.

‘’Should I speak to you alone or do you prefer their presence?’’ Jane asks Jay and Harry understands, he really does, about the whole ‘parents only’ and consent thing but if this woman dares not tell him about Louis or makes him wait even a second, he’s going to rip off his stitches and fucking march out of his room and straight to Louis’ so help him G…

‘’It’s okay. They’re family.’’ Jay says. ‘’Just, you know, not the other part…’’ she ends in a whisper and the way her eyes dart around, it’s obvious she didn’t want anyone but the nurse to hear that part.

‘’Of course,’’ Jane says.

‘’What part?’’ Harry asks sharply and his eyes are on Jay.

‘’It’s not your concern, Harry.’’ Jay says gently. ‘’What matters now is the surgery results. Can Jane speak now, please?’’ she asks when Harry was about to interrupt.

Harry swallows the bile down his throat because he cannot believe that more secrets are being piled up. He and Louis’ last fight, their last break up was because of this, of things left unsaid. Nonetheless, he turns his eyes to Jane who clears her throat.

‘’Alright, well, as I’ve informed you all before, Louis needed to re-enter surgery but we were able to determine a few things as to why he is not doing so well and give you a much clearer view on the situation.’’ Jane starts. She’s clutching a file which she now opens, her voice gentle and smooth and it ought to be soothing but Harry is not feeling very comfortable right now. He’s glad they’ve unattached the heart monitor from him, otherwise, everyone in the room would know how badly he’s trying not to panic and failing.

_Not doing so well._

If words could kill, he’s sure those would be the ones to do it.

Jay sits down on a nearby chair, her lower lip wobbling, looking at Jane with big, scared eyes. Harry wishes he could comfort her.

‘’And?’’ she asks.

Harry wonders when can he breathe normally again but after Jane speaks, he’s not sure if he wants to.

‘’Louis has a shattered collarbone and a shattered shoulder blade, a broken left arm, a crushed right arm and seven broken ribs. He cracked his sternum, snapped his neck on a bad tilt and his skull nearly got crushed. His lungs are both punctured; one keeps filling up with liquids and hemorrhaging, one is barely hanging on but doing better than the other. He’s on breathing assistance, trachea occupied with a ventilator. He’s on blood thinners and thickeners at the same time because they need to stop the internal bleeding in various parts of his body but avoid blood clot in his brain. His upper body is in a dreadful state; blood keeps seeping into his chest cavity, fluids that they have to keep on draining not to mention the 2nd degree burns on his skin.’’

Basically, Louis’ range rover took the brunt of the truck’s weight, crushing in on Louis and trapping him inside like a scrap yard metal compressor. He’s not awake, and Harry’s not surprised. Of course, he won’t be. He’s quite positive with a list of injuries like that, of course Louis’ body would be too tired to function, too broken to wake up, too preoccupied just trying to keep himself in one piece.

‘’We were able to establish something according to the police report and eyewitnesses on the scene,’’ Jane continues, ‘’that since Louis was on the driver’s side and not the passenger’s side, then he could’ve easily escaped the crash instead of swerving his car. However, a Mr. Yoshihiro, one of the drivers behind Louis’ car who had managed to escape at the nick of time, had confirmed seeing Louis pushing open the passenger door and hearing Louis shout out something of a warning, which we can only imagine was done a split second from impact. The way his body was injured could only mean that he was across the seats, and therefore, we were able to conclude why most of Louis’ injuries are so spread out, particularly on his back.’’

Harry breathes in then out, blinks and bites his lower lip. It’s not working, whatever it is he’s trying to do to lift the fucking ton of steel off his chest, it’s not working.

Because Louis saved him, didn’t he? Louis literally put himself between him and the truck instead of getting out himself. And Harry was so pissed at him, just stubbornly waiting for Louis to say sorry and stop being an arse instead of swallowing his own pride and doing it himself but instead, here they are. If they were on good terms, if they were not on one of their stupid breaks, they would have run out of the car together on Niall’s dare and both of them would have been soaked in the rain but okay. Louis would have been okay.

He can glare at Jane all he wants for her dreadful news but the truth is absolute. Louis saved him. He didn’t imagine it; Louis’ warning was clear. Louis shouted at him to get down just like every other time Louis helped him when he was about to hit his head against a beam when they’d walk backstage after a show. Only this time, he doesn’t end up with Louis looking at him fondly. He doesn’t end up with Louis’ hands on his hips telling him to look where he’s walking, telling him what to do.

He got away with gravel scratches, minor cuts and bruises up his arms while Louis’ hemorrhaging everywhere and getting operated on God knows what, hour after hour after hour. Harry wonders how long they still have to work on him before they call it quits, before they declare that Louis’ beyond saving.

It’s already been more than eight hours since last night. Can they continue? Can they?

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters.

‘’What are his chances?” Jay asks finally. There are quiet tears streaming down her face and she looks so desperate, fingers twisting and curling in her lap. “Like, you won’t give up on him, right? What are the chances my baby’s going to make it, please?”

In his peripheral vision, Harry sees Niall duck his head as he wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. Liam’s jaws are tight, eyes burning with unshed tears. _Always the strong one,_ Louis would say. _Always so sensible, our Lima Bean, isn’t that right, Haz?_ Then Liam would wack the back of Louis’ head for the nickname even though they all know he secretly loves it.

Jane’s guarded face softens.

‘’The doctors working on him believe he’s got a 35 percent chance,” she says gently, “Which may not sound like good odds to you but they are odds they can work with, considering the circumstances. Truth be told, patients like this have thinner chances of survival but it seems,’’ Jane pauses, hesitant, like there’s a double meaning to her words but then she soldiers on. ‘’It seems that your son is a fighter, Mrs. Deaken. I’m sure, given your occupation, I’m sure you and I have been around long enough to know what those kind look like.’’

Jay looks at Jane for a long moment before she swallows, a new wave of tears streaming.

‘’Please don’t give me false hope,’’ she croaks out. Harry doesn’t know where she gets her bravery, where her strength is coming from to keep herself from whimpering all over the floor. God knows if Harry wasn’t on the bed, that’s what he’d be doing.

‘’I’m not. And the doctors won’t give up on him. We don’t do that around here, I assure you.’’ Jane says, her eyes exuding genuine honesty.

Not much else needed to be said.


	9. Might've drank too much wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by lady antebellum's, ''be patient with my love''

‘’You don’t look so well,’’ Harry points out. It’s the last day of the tour and there’s a party in the penthouse they’d rented in their hotel to celebrate with all the crew and people from management. Even their family is around.

But here he is, looking at Louis as he throws up.

‘’Drank too much,’’ Louis says as he picks himself up from the floor and staggers to the sink.

‘’Need help?’’ he asks as he watches Louis gargle some water and spits it out. He looks tired and not the drunk kind of tired.

‘’Don’t worry about it,’’ Louis waves at him. ‘’I think I’ll just head to my room, call it in early.’’

Harry frowns. ‘’Will walk you out then,’’

He frowns deeper when Louis doesn’t refuse him and although he wishes to wind his arm around him to keep him from staggering, he doesn’t. Instead, he lets Louis walk on his own.

Their rooms are just a floor down so it’s not a long elevator ride. It is a quiet one though, something uncommon for them.

‘’You gonna be okay?’’ he asks, hands in his pockets to keep himself from holding Louis close. Louis merely hums as he fumbles with his key and gets the door open. The hallway lights up his pale face when he turns to look at Harry, eyes droopy and sad.

‘’Why do you care?’’ he mumbles, leaning his forehead against the open door.

‘’You know why,’’ Harry merely replies. He’s tired of the distance between them, tired of their fights.

‘’I don’t understand you,’’ Louis shakes his head,’’ You hate sharing me, always dying for my attention but when it comes to the whole world knowing about us, you’re the first to leap and jump. You don’t care about sparing my feelings, but you say you care about me. You’re such a puzzle, Harry.’’

‘’And you don’t know me at all,’’ Harry grits, his temper flaring. ‘’I’m not ashamed of you. I’m not ashamed to be seen with you. If you think I care, well, you care too much! Stop worrying about what other people think.’’

‘’But I have to worry about what Kendall thinks or doesn’t she count?’’ Louis lifts his eyes and looks properly at him. ‘’I saw you with her,’’

‘’So?’’ Harry says even though he feels wretched about the closed-off look that crosses Louis’ face.

‘’Then you should be with her, not here,’’ Louis mutters and is about to close the door when Harry slams his palm against it, causing Louis to face him properly.

‘’I’m here because I want to be here. Kendall is just a friend and you know it,’’ Harry snaps.

‘’You’re better off with her, though. You’ve always liked American girls.’’

‘’That’s stereo-typing,’’

‘’It’s still true though,’’

‘’No, it’s not,’’

‘’Are you quite finished?’’

‘’Are you jealous?’’ Harry taunts. ‘’Green is not a good color on you, babe.’’

‘’You know what?’’ Louis sighs. ‘’I’m done with this conversation. Lock the door when you show yourself out.’’ He walks towards the bedroom and leaves Harry standing by the open door.

‘’But I’m not done,’’ Harry says a second later, marching after Louis. But said lad is already astride the bed, snoring into the side of the pillow, still dressed up.

Harry sighs before he gets about removing Louis’ shoes and tucking him in.

‘’I’ll never be done loving you.’’ He cannot help but whisper, tucking a loose strand behind Louis’ ear, watching him like a creep. He still loves him so deeply, he wishes they could communicate better and reveal their better sides instead of always baiting each other, taunting and hurting each other. He wishes he were a better person, who didn’t want Louis to be hurt just as much as he hurts, who didn’t always feed and fuel his anger and who didn’t always rise to the bait and rile him up instead of smoothing his edges and softening the blows.

He wishes he could turn back the hands on the clock.


	10. Harry: when it don’t come easy

He’s in a hotel lounge. The place is packed. The hotel, much to his crew’s amusement, actually agreed to have the hotel advertise his show tonight as a complementary to all their guests. Harry is not bothered; he’s used to all types of fans. He loves them all equally.

He’s not drunk tonight, though he has been for about a week or so since he’d sung Cheryl’s song. Every state he goes to holds a memory too dear not to think of and reminisce over. Sometimes, when he can’t sleep, he’d go walking around until he reaches the venues he and the boys played in before, like the Gillette stadium and MetLife. He knows they’ll play there again soon, but right now, it doesn’t feel like a year away, more like miles and miles away instead.

He doesn’t introduce himself this time. He lets the hotel manager do it; pointing out to the fedoras and talking about the apparently noble cause behind his show. It’s not with such unfamiliarity compared to the way Harry does them. Tim had asked for this though, ever since his drunken escapade where he revealed a little too much. Also, some fans took pictures of the slips of paper in the fedoras and Harry is sure there are articles out there that have already whipped out the connection between the Eden Dora trust and Blue Bell Wood hospice as well as several other charity organizations linked to Louis, with Harry’s doings.

Harry doesn’t blame Tim; his actions so far have not been easy on the guy.

He gets to the stage with a nod towards the hotel manager and sits on his stool where the spotlight is shed. Unsurprisingly, the place is not so packed, since it is not his usual crowd, mostly tourists and their kids. He notices a stream of college girls though, slowly making their way to the lounge bar. By his second song, the place would be full, he thinks.

He doesn’t make any introductions. He just sings tonight.

_Red lights are flashing on the highway  
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home  
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight  
Everywhere the waters getting rough  
Your best intentions may not be enough  
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight  
  
But if you break down  
I'll drive out and find you  
If you forget my love  
I'll try to remind you  
And stay by you when it don't come easy  
  
I don't know nothing except change will come  
Year after year what we do is undone  
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run  
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home  
  
You're out there walking down a highway  
And all of the signs got blown away  
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction  
  
But if you break down  
I'll drive out and find you  
If you forget my love  
I'll try to remind you  
And stay by you when it don't come easy  
  
So many things that I had before  
That don't matter to me now  
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost  
And the love I've never found  
When the last bird falls  
And the last siren sounds  
Someone will say what's been said before  
Some love we were looking for_

He signs autographs before Tim and Edward escort him to the bus. He feels light tonight, better maybe but he’s not sure if that is the right word. He just knows he wants to call Liam tonight.

The phone rings twice as he stretches out on the couch. He’s got a steaming cup of ginger tea in one hand, clutching his phone with the other and a brown bag of MacDonald’s next to his thigh.

He calls three times; the first two go straight to voicemail. He wonders if he should leave a message.

The line picks up on his third try.

‘’Do you know what time is it here?’’ Liam says, voice groggy and sleepy.

‘’Ah yes, time differences. Forgot all about that.’’ Harry says with a shrug.

‘’You didn’t. You’re just being a prick.’’ Liam says through a yawn.

‘’Yup, that’s my new name.’’ Harry says sarcastically.

‘’Geez, Harry, what do you want. Fuck.’’ Liam curses, probably stubbed his toe trying to find a pair of sweats or something.

‘’How is he?’’ he asks tentatively. He should probably be nice to Liam, now that he thinks of it. After all, he is in no position to be a smart-ass.

‘’Call him yourself, twat.’’ Liam grunts and Harry can hear his footsteps.

‘’You know why I don’t.’’ Harry sighs.

‘’I’m really beyond caring about your guilt, Harry. Just get over yourself already.’’ Liam says sternly. Then Liam sighs, and Harry can see him pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to calm down. Harry feels guilty for making Liam start his day badly.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Liam says.

‘’No, I’m sorry.’’ Harry says then the line is silent.

‘’Harry, I have to sleep,’’ Liam says before he pauses. ‘’Just man up already, Christ.’’ Liam doesn’t bother to wait for his reply before he hangs up.

Louis refuses to hang out with them and James Cordon, who had invited them to a barbecue after the taping. Harry should have expected it, seeing that Louis’ confidence hits its lowest whenever they’re on US soil, gets the brunt of the most vicious rumors thrown at him and paps breathing down his neck in a much harsher fashion than anywhere else. It doesn’t help that his fucker of an old man who still thinks he gets the right to call himself Louis’ dad is talking up shit again and the paps are using it against Louis but the fact that he is still getting jabs over his voice is really taking its toll.

Not to mention that it’s their last time back in the US as a band and he wants them to hang out as much as possible before they all go their separate ways. But Louis is being all cagey, like he can’t wait to fucking leave the country already.

‘’Enjoyed your down time?’’ Harry asks when they comeback late that night. James’ wife, bless her soul, tucked Harry with a Tupperware full of left-overs for Louis. He plonks the brown bag on the sofa next to where Louis was watching TV.

The boys are strewn around the living room, having decided to spend some time with Louis, who they always hate leaving behind and have to spend time in his orbit whenever they’re apart like they’re a pack of puppies and need every member of their pack to smell the same again.

‘’I hate it here, man. Don’t know how James can stand it,’’ Louis mutters to no one, just opens up the Tupperware and starts eating the still warm chicken wings. ‘’But I sure love this!’’

‘’You sure missed out,’’ Liam says, stealing the remote and finding Bad Boys on screen.

‘’Whatever,’’ Louis says with his mouth full before his eyes focus on Will Smith causing a yacht to explode on some high way.

Harry sits next to him and pulls his legs over his lap, starts massaging his ankles. Louis doesn’t protests, just keeps stuffing his mouth, eyes glued to the screen.

Nearing the end of the movie, Louis gets up with the Tupperware and goes to the kitchen. Harry follows him and stands by the door while Louis washes his hands in the sink.

‘’Missed you today,’’ he says after Louis turns around with a glass of water in hand.

Louis finishes drinking before he speaks, ‘’Yeah? Couldn’t handle James’ exuberance on your own?’’

‘’Wow, big word there,’’ Harry teases.

‘’Yeah? Didn’t think I was smart or what?’’ Louis says with a grin but there’s sharpness in his eyes, a dare.

Harry doesn’t rise to it; instead he unglues himself from the wall and plucks the empty glass from Louis’ hands, putting it in the sink next to the Tupperware.

‘’Marry me,’’ he says, holding Louis’ waist and pulling him close. He wishes he were joking because he honestly doesn’t know where the thought came from. ‘’let’s just put this all behind us and start fresh.’’

Louis just looks at him, amused. Harry cannot blame him.

‘’What do you say, babe? Can you imagine the headlines?’’

It’s the wrong thing to say because Louis visibly winces and turns away from his grasp.

‘’I shudder just thinking about it.’’

‘’It could be a private wedding,’’ Harry says, hoping he can salvage the moment. ‘’Just you, me and the lads. No one else but us,’’

Louis looks at him from across the kitchen, arms folded protectively over his chest.

‘’It’s not that easy,’’ he allows.

‘’That’s not a ‘’no’’, right?’’

‘’I’m not saying yes, dumbass,’’ Louis huffs. ‘’We’re not even together,’’

‘’Oh c’mon, Louis,’’ Harry approaches him, arms back around his waist. ‘’Loubear?’’ Louis turns his face away but Harry can see him trying to hide his grin. ‘’Boo? LouLou? Marry me, Lou. Please? Pretty please Tommo?’’

Louis breaks out in laughter and shrieks louder when Harry carries him and plonks him on the counter, squeezing himself between his legs and hugging him, muttering nonsense into his neck.

‘’Stop it, you menace,’’ Louis pushes at his shoulders but keeps him close, arms loose around his neck.

‘’Changed your mind?’’

‘’Hmm,’’ Louis ponders, deep blue eyes radiating humor. ‘’When you get over yourself, then I’ll agree,’’

‘’When do you think that will be?’’ Harry plays along. It’s been a while since they’ve been on peaceful grounds and he wants to savor it.

‘’Until the day the ocean doesn’t touch the sand,’’ Louis sings, words practically spilling into his lips from how close their faces are before Louis moves even closer and whispers into his ear. ‘’Now and forever, I will be your man.’’


	11. stitches

He wasn’t okay, not by a mile. It’s like a piece of him died in that surgery room and there are times when he wishes that the accident took him away instead of leaving him in pieces.

Making the new album was not easy this time around. Yes, the accident happened right smack in the middle of the US leg of the tour and had to end 5 dates earlier, which caused a wrench in schedule but people were more than understanding of the situation. Even after a certain member left the band, even with him bed-ridden, they were still supportive.

And yes, the boys are the most supportive of all, even willing to set up shop in his apartment but Louis had been kind of shutting them out. Usually when he’d come up with a song, he’d be right there in the studio, manning the gears on how the producers wanted it to sound like without it drifting from how he wanted it to sound like. This time though, he’d just been sending the songs to Liam via email and not bothering to talk through any tune ups or changes they might want to add. It’s like writing had become merely a bad habit that he can’t break out of.

Moreover, he hasn’t really been giving anyone the chance to hang around him, not even when ‘’made in the am’’ was released and they started promo in Europe. He’d become so thin, frail, all forced smile and dim eyes. Harry doesn’t know what to do with an irresponsive Louis, never had to deal with one before.

Right now, Harry is tired. He wants to talk to Louis and get a response. Every time he’s tried, Louis pretty much just looks blankly at him, unfocused, like looking through glass.

The accident had caused a spinal injury, leaving Louis unable to even sit up properly. He’s constantly in pain and even though the doctors assured him that when he regains his strength, they can conduct a surgery to help him walk again, it’s a huge risk, especially since spinal injuries take quite some time to heal and by then, it might be permanent and irreversible.

It hit them all hard and being made to go back to work and leave Louis in the hands of physical therapists and Jay created a gap in all of them that’s been hard to fill. His seat is always there with them, whether in an interview or in a live promotional show. His mic is always there, sitting on his chair, waiting to be picked up.

And Harry wishes he could stay with him and forget his duties, forget the band for once. It’s just three of them now; how could they possible carry themselves further?

Finally, when they announced the hiatus so that Louis can focus more on his recovery, it wasn’t met with agreement but with Louis flipping up a storm.

‘’Are you all invalids?’’ he shouts at them, even going as far as throwing a book at Liam from where he’s on his bed. He looks unkempt. He hasn’t shaven in weeks, his eyes are empty and his cheeks are gaunt.

‘’You have to continue while you still can. You can’t all sit here surrounding me while I do nothing!’’ he shouts louder, anger leaving his little body in bits and pieces.

‘’You’re more important, Louis.’’ Niall placates. ‘’Besides, its’ been way over-due. We all need a break, man.’’

‘’A break from what? You’ve just released an album, Niall.’’ Louis gesticulates at him. ‘’You aren’t going to tour it? Nothing?’’

‘’It’s not a big deal, Lou…’’ Liam tries.

‘’Do you have any idea how many people you’re disappointing?’’ Louis thunders. ‘’How many are blaming me because of this?’’

‘’Blaming you?’’ Harry speaks out. He can’t keep silent anymore, watching Louis trip over himself in guilt.

‘’The band cannot end like this, not because of me, am I clear?’’ Louis heaves. ‘’It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair…’’

‘’Not fair?’’ Harry interrupts. ‘’Do you even hear yourself? You were in an accident, Louis. It’s not like you chose to be in one!’’

‘’You don't know what you're saying...’’ Louis croaks, lying back, groaning like he’s in pain, alarming the boys at once.

‘’Louis!’’ Harry rushes to his side, confused to what’s happening. He wishes he could leech his pain and take it away, wishes Louis didn’t blame himself so much for things he has no control over.

‘’Call Jay,’’ he hears Niall tell Liam and before they know it, Louis is spewing blood all over the sheets.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The doctor tells them that Louis’ medication were causing him an ulcer in the stomach, nothing a few antibiotics won’t fix but it’s obvious that he’s in severe pain constantly and that he’d been abusing his medication

‘’He was so anxious today,’’ Niall agrees. ‘’he didn’t take the news of the hiatus well.’’

‘’You shouldn’t stress him out,’’ the doctor admonishes them sternly. ‘’he needs a peaceful environment so that he can recover properly. Like this, he won’t ever be in shape for his surgery.’’

‘’Isn’t there another way? You said it was too risky,’’ Harry cannot help but voice his concern. The thought of Louis going under the knife again is unbearable.

‘’Lad, he twisted his spine in that accident,’’ the doctor says, reminding Harry of what Jay didn’t want to tell him back when he was in the hospital. ‘’He could have been paralyzed back then already or worse, dead on the spot with that truck crushing him but he managed to pull through. It’s not going to be an easy road ahead but at least nothing is permanently damaged in him, yeah?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry murmurs but his mouth is titled. It’s still not good news to him.

‘’Is paralysis a risk in this upcoming surgery?’’ Liam asks. They were told there were risks but they didn’t understand much of the medical jargon behind it.

‘’That or instant death, I’m afraid,’’ the doctor says coolly, like she didn’t just drop a bomb on them.

‘’What?’’ Harry feels coldness wrap around his heart, tightening his chest.

‘’I’m sorry, I thought you were informed about this? Your friend already made a will and everything.’’

‘’What will?’’ Liam asks, his eyes wide.

‘’That if something goes wrong during the surgery, we pull the plug,’’ the doctor enunciates slowly, like she’s dreading their reaction.

‘’Am gonna kill him,’’ Harry mutters, horrified. ‘I’m so gonna kill him.’’


	12. Goodbye my love

_‘’I wish we didn’t fight the last time I saw you,’’_

Harry writes in his journal the way a man confesses his undying love like he’s on his death bed. He’s on the tour bus, on the way to some other unknown place on the map. It’s quiet in the bus, way past midnight and as has become usual, he cannot sleep. He writes in his ink-smudged leather-bound journal, spilling words he wishes he could say in person to the one person who needs to hear them the most. He writes like he’s stuffed full and is spilling out from how much his inner-most thoughts occupy his every cell, needing to give them an outlet or he’ll burst from within.

_ ‘’I wish I didn’t corner you. I wish you had options. I wish you never turned your car away. You wouldn’t be in as much pain if you just let fate play its part. Maybe that night was supposed to have been my last and you put a wrench in fate’s plans and now look where we are. I blame you for doing that to yourself, for always putting yourself last.  _

_ Why can’t it have been possible that you be my only first and last everything? You were my first kiss. You ought to be my last too. The thought of someone else taking up my mind and my heart and my soul burns my eyelids and I can’t even imagine it, let alone see it through. _

_I wish we didn’t spend a lot of time fighting. I wish you’d asked me to stay in the car instead. If you were not meant to survive, I would have gladly died with you.’’_

Harry stops writing, tears blurring his vision. It’s overwhelming, the reality of what he truly feels; Back then, since they’d discovered about that damn will and it’s been like dominos falling; one awful day after the other…

_ ‘’Am gonna kill him,’’ Harry mutters, horrified. ‘I’m so gonna kill him.’’ _

Harry marches away from the doctor, disregarding the boys shouting at him to stop. He takes the stairs two at a time until he’s on the right floor. He interrupts a woman by the nurse’s station and asks for Louis’ room number. His mother would mourn in shame when she hears how rude he’s being but all he cares about right now is reaching Louis’ room and it doesn’t even take three strides before he wrenches the door open…

Louis’ whining in pain on the bed, eyes shut tight, forehead breaking in sweat. A nurse petting his hair is doing something with his IV.

‘’There, there now, sshhh, you’ll be alright, pet, you’ll be okay…’’ she murmurs.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Harry asks, eyes wide open as he steps up to her, eyes zooming in on her hands.

‘’Upping his morphine; he’s in a lot of pain.’’ She says calmly and continues soothing Louis until he deflates on the bed, body unmoving.

‘’Is he sleeping?’’ Harry asks, voice tight.

‘’He’s just resting,’’ she replies as she moves away. She picks up a chart and leaves the room.

Harry loses his steam at the sight of Louis, pale and sweaty on the bed. Louis’ fingers are clutching the bed sheets but have released some tension and are now in loose fists. Harry picks up one of his hands and spreads his fingers out, kneading his bones. 

‘’What are you doing here?’’ Harry picks up his head at the sound of Louis’ slurred words. He sees dim eyes and a tired face, someone who can barely keep himself together but is still fighting for it.

‘’Go to sleep, Lou. You need to rest.’’ Harry says. He can’t argue with Louis about the will, not in the state he’s in. 

Louis just nods and closes his eyes, giving in to sleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Two days later, it hits the headlines before it reaches them but they’re surprised nonetheless when they go to visit Louis’ place and find Zayn in the kitchen.

‘’So, I’m back,’’ he tells them when they still can’t figure out a way past their titled and awkward greetings.

‘’What?’’ Niall is the first to utter, his legs stop swinging on the counter mid-sip. 

‘’I’ve changed my mind.’’ Zayn shrugs. ‘’Louis needs us and besides, we’re on hiatus.’’

‘’Back in the band, you mean?’’ Liam asks, still confused.

‘’Yes, Liam.’’ Zayn replies, looking at him like he’s taking things way too slow.

‘’Are you just doing this for him? Because if you are, you’re going to resent him for it if this isn’t exactly what you want. I know how convincing he can be,’’ Harry doesn’t know where that came from and all the boys are looking at him like he’s lost his mind. 

‘’Liam told me about the will, Harry.’’ Zayn says angrily. ‘’Don’t you know how bad that will make me look?’’

‘’Bad?’’ Harry is glad that the kitchen table separates him and Zayn, really glad. ‘’what the hell is that supposed to mean?’’

‘’Look, I’m not saying it won’t work. The surgery has to work but we have to be prepared for anything…’’

‘’No, that’s not what I’m hearing here, Malik.’’ Harry interrupts. ‘’You think its best that you stay in the band because if the surgery doesn’t work and Louis conks out, the media will turn on you for turning your back on a dead band member, is that it?’’

‘’Harry, what the fuck?’’ His eyes are on Zayn but he knows that Liam is no longer leaning against the fridge but standing at the head of the table, as if he’s about to come between them in some way.

‘’Admit it, Malik, that’s what’s on your mind, yeah?’’ Harry pushes.

‘’Look, you’re not thinking logically. You’re tired too…’’Zayn placates.

‘’Why can’t you just say what you really mean, Zee?’’ Harry grounds out. ‘’Just say it; say you want to walk away, say that you’re staying out of pity, but don’t you dare say that you’re doing it for Louis. You’re only thinking about yourself and that’s the truth. You don’t care about the will or anyone but yourself!’’

‘’You don’t know what you’re talking about!’’ Zayn roars.

‘’I’ve had enough of your crap.’’ Harry starts walking out of the kitchen but stops at the door. ‘’You’d better be gone before he wakes up.’’

‘’He’s awake, asshole!’’

‘’Then be gone before I come back down here and kick you out myself!’’ with that, Harry storms out.

He isn’t wearing his boots but his footsteps still thud as he reaches the hallway leading up to Louis’ room. He knocks gently before letting himself in and finds Louis propped up against the bed with Jay sitting beside him.

‘’Finally let off some steam?’’ Louis asks after a moment of silent confrontation.

‘’Did you try to convince him to stay?’’ Harry asks instead.

‘’No,’’ Louis shrugs and pets the side of the bed. Harry walks up to him and sits down, looking at Louis like he hasn’t seen him in days.

‘’What did you talk about then?’’

‘’I’ll go get you some lunch.’’ Jay announces before she gets up, kisses Louis; forehead, adjusts the pillow behind his neck and leaves.

‘’Not much,’’ Louis shrugs again and closes his eyes, like he’s constantly tired. ‘’he came to ask me about my will.’’

Harry swallows. ‘’And?’’

‘’And I decided it was a better time than any to tell him good bye, in case I don’t see him again.’’

Harry’s chest caves in and hallows out. It’s in the casual way Louis says it, in his demeanor, in his closed eyes, like he didn’t just slice Harry in half with his words.

‘’Are you going to say goodbye to me too?’’ Harry croaks out.

Louis swallows, his eyes staying shut but it seems on purpose now, like he can’t bear to look at Harry.

‘’Look at me,’’ Harry pleads. ‘’Is that what you want? You want to say good bye to me?’’

‘’Of course I don’t. Oh fuck,’’ Louis curses as a tear escapes his eyes. He tilts his neck away but groans in pain.

Harry cups his face and turns it gently to face him. ‘’Look at me,’’

Louis opens his eyes and the blue in them is hurtling into a fit of rage and sorrow.

‘’I have to set you free, Haz.’’ 

‘’I don’t want you to,’’

‘’You have to let me go,’’

‘’No,’’

‘’Baby, please…’’

‘’No,’’

‘’The doctors aren’t telling you the truth, okay? I don’t have good odds…’’

‘’I don’t care, we’ll find other doctors…’’

‘’That’s not the point…’’

‘’It doesn’t change how I feel about you,’’ Harry interrupts with finality, both hands cupping Louis’ face now.

‘’You’re exactly like Zayn; saying anything just to make me feel better,’’ Louis pushes his head up, trying to dislodge his hands. ‘’Stop pitying me,’’

‘’How dare you?’’ angry tears fill his eyes. ‘’Stop mocking my feelings for you; they’re not out of pity, Lou. How fucking dare you?’’

‘’I’m gonna die,’’ Louis stutters out, looking at Harry, eyes full of fear. ‘’I’m gonna die on that surgery table because I will not choose you and live just to be paralyzed. I don’t love you enough to choose that life, Haz, okay? I don’t fucking love you!’’

Harry recoils in shock. It’s the most startling he’s ever felt, the most he’s ever been unbalanced and knocked off his feet. 

Louis is crying but looking at him with no regrets and Harry cannot find any words to rebuttal him.

So he just gets up and leaves. He doesn’t look back.


	13. Nobody's crying

No body stopped him from leaving. Mainly because they were on hiatus so he had no agenda but mostly because no one expected him to. They all thought he’d never leave Louis’ side, choosing to stay glued to him until the very end instead of going on with his career. Well, Harry had always loved proving people wrong.

  
He wanted to keep his shows small and he’d been stubborn about it until management just got fed up with him and let him be. They gave him a small band, a tour bus and let him have his way. The freedom was as liberating as it was confusing. He’d never been on his own before, he’d forgotten what it was like not to have the proximity of the other four lads beside him.  
But then Niall released a single followed by Zayn and he didn’t feel all that constricted after that. If they were brave enough to venture into the world on their own, so can he. Later on, he’d realize how much that bravery stemmed from Louis’ encouragement and how little did it have to do with their maturity.

  
He flips through his journal, reading back some old entries in search for inspiration for a new song when his ink-smudged fingers land on an entry that he’d left unfinished. Confused as to why, he reads the first few sentences he’d written and he remembers…

  
‘’He’s going to have the surgery tonight,’’ Liam starts the call. Harry would think that with a call like that, he’d be the one to call him but instead it’s Harry who’d dialed his number, just as he’d done the previous nights.  
He sits up now, after he’d been reared into silence from the shock of the news.

  
‘’What?’’ he was in the middle of getting dressed for a bar show when for some reason, he’d just felt like calling Liam. He’d wanted to tell him that he’d written a new song and maybe to tell Louis about it before he sang it for the first time. He didn’t think he’d get this instead.

  
‘’The surgery; its tonight, Harry,’’ Liam says hurriedly, like he’s in the middle of a tornado. ‘’Louis didn’t want me to tell you but I think you ought to know. I think something bad is going to happen; Jay doesn’t think it’s too soon but I think it is. I know I’m no expert, but I feel bad about this Harry. Shit!’’

  
‘’Liam…’’ Harry doesn’t know what to say; he’s spiraling into a wave of panic and maybe Liam is too if his tone of voice is anything to go by.

  
‘’Look, I have to go; Jay just told me a while ago and am in Wolverhampton. I have to drive quickly to Louis and see him before they kick me out. I don’t have much time.’’

  
‘’Time for what?’’ Harry ventures.

  
‘’Time to say goodbye, Harry! Fuck, this might be the last time I see him, man,’’ Liam is definitely crying. ‘’Niall is already there with him and Zayn is on his way. We can’t leave him. He needs us. Look, I have to go,’’

  
Harry hears the dial-tone after that. He sits there numb, not knowing what to do.

  
Like an out of body response, his fingers dial Louis’ number. He waits for the call to go through but instead it goes straight to voice-mail. Harry doesn’t know what to say.

  
He’s numb through it all; numb through the bus stopping in front of the hotel, numb through Tim calling him to get his arse over at the bar, numb under the lights and numb in front of the microphone.

  
It’s not his best show. He’s not all there and he’s mostly stumbling through the lyrics, eyes in a daze, wondering if Louis is about to die half-way across the globe, wondering if he’s missed out on his chance for forgiveness, missed out on swallowing his pride.

  
It’s too much and he feels like he’s going to run out of time soon. As the lights dim after a round of half-hearted applause, Harry takes his phone out of his pocket and opens his recorder before he puts it on the floor.

  
‘’I wrote a new song today,’’ he says after he adjusts his seat and fixes the guitar strap around his shoulder. ‘’I wanted a very special someone to hear it and I hope it’s not too late but maybe it is. I’m sorry,’’ his voice breaks because it’s starting to hit him and the only reason he isn’t weeping on the floor is because of all the eyes on him just waiting for him to have a break-down for them to capture and expose to the whole world. ‘’It’s a song called, ’nobody’s crying.’ Wherever you are,’’ He almost sobs from how his voice catches. ‘’I hope you know how much I wish I could be by your side right now and how much I regret leaving you. Please know that what I felt for you has not changed. I still love you, no matter what your choices are. I hope one day you can forgive me for all the wrong decisions I have made by you and remember the one decision I have made that I will never regret. I have decided a long time ago that you were it for me and I promise, I vow,’’ he says fiercely, looking at some spotlight, ‘’that you are still the one. No one will take your place. I promise you,’’

  
He starts plucking the new chords, fingers hesitant but not unsteady. He checks the recorder on the phone and hopes he doesn’t fuck this up; it’s his last chance, his only chance and he cannot blow it; not this.

  
‘’Well, he jumps in the taxi,’’ he rasps, ‘’for the sky…  
He's off to slay some demon dragonfly  
And he looks at me that long last time  
Turns away again and I waved goodbye.’’

  
It’s a reminder of that last look in Louis’ eyes, all teary and full of despair. But his eyes are unforgettable, the type has sunk its hooks into Harry’s heart and won’t let go. Harry won’t let go.

‘’In an envelope inside his coat  
Is a chain I wore around my throat  
Along with a note I wrote  
Said I love you but I don't even know why

But, darling, I wish you well,’’

  
He wishes he could scream on top of the roofs. He wishes the skies would open up and heed his cries. But all he has is a dingy bar, far away from home, with the ceiling lights looming over him, with spotlights closing in.

  
‘’On your way to the wishing well  
Swinging off of those gates of hell  
But I can tell  
How hard you're trying  
I just have this secret hope  
Sometimes all we do is cope  
Somewhere on the steepest slope  
There's an endless rope  
And nobody's crying’’

  
A weird hush has descended over the audience. Even Tim and the rest of the crew are looking at the stage like they’re watching a Romeo and Juliet play. It’s not a morose or morbid atmosphere but more like watching a person sinking his fingernails into his heart and tearing it open for everyone to see its bloody contents.

  
‘’What on earth is he doing?’’ Tim whispers to Edward. ‘’It’s like turning into a martyr or something.’’

  
‘’Look at the crowd, man.’’ Edward whispers back. Tim looks and indeed, everyone’s phone is out but no one is looking at their screens. Their eyes are on the boy crying about regret so deep and a love so full, he’s bursting with how much he wants suffering to end, how much he’s lost his borrowed time.

  
‘’Well, the long night turns into a couple of long years  
Of me walking around and round this trail of tears  
Where the very loud voices of my own fear  
Is ringing and ringing in my ear

It says that love is long gone  
Every move I make is all wrong  
Says you never gave a damn for me  
For anything, for anyone’’

  
Angry tears fall but he’s on a roll now, no one can stop him now.

  
‘’But, darling, I wish you well  
On your way to the wishing well  
Swinging off of those gates of hell  
But I can tell  
How hard you're trying  
I just have this secret hope  
Sometimes all we do is cope  
Somewhere on the steepest slope  
There's an endless rope  
And nobody's crying

‘’Turn that off, man.’’ Edward chastises as Tim pulls out his blasting phone in haste.  
‘’Sorry, sorry.’’ Tim finally shuts off his phone and turns his eyes quickly to the stage. ‘’Shit, is he crying?’’

  
‘’May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed,’’

  
He closes his eyes and sees Louis clearly, laughing in their tour bus, controllers strewn all around because he and Niall started a food fight. He cannot stop laughing as he and the other lads join in and it’s one of the warmest moments he’s ever had with the lads, with Louis.

  
‘’And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread  
Make the sounds of a thousand of angels instead  
Tonight where you might be laying your head

He feels sweat breaking out of his forehead and salt on his cheeks but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t feel his voice weeping, or his heart bursting at the seams.

  
‘’I wish you well  
On your way to the wishing well  
Swinging off of those gates of hell  
But I can tell  
How hard you're trying,’’

  
His chest caves in and he feels like he’s run a marathon but he takes a quick and deep breathe and battles on.

  
‘’I just have this secret hope  
Sometimes all I do is cope  
Somewhere on the steepest slope  
There's an endless rope  
And nobody's crying  
Nobody's crying  
Nobody's crying’’

  
He takes a deep breathe, head low that his chin touches his chest. The lights dim and without looking out at the audience, he whispers a quick thank you to the mic, picks up his phone and stumbles down the stage.

  
He opens his eyes and without thinking, sends the recording to Louis. He’s not looking up and Tim catches him around the shoulders before he stumbles. He is guided out but he’s not sure, eyes on the floor and body numb, voice wrung out.

  
‘’C’mon, lad. You can do, just a few more steps.’’  
When they finally reach the bus, Tim tucks him in his bunk and Edward sits with him. He doesn’t leave him for hours, not until Harry’s stopped shaking and crying silently. He only leaves him after Harry’s fallen into a dreadful sleep.

Months later, Harry opens that journal entry and wonders if Louis ever listened to his song that night. He’d made it, made it out of the surgery but Harry would die to know how he’s recovering, how he’s being taken care of.

  
It’s while he’s looking at other journal entries that his phone rings and without bothering to look at who's calling, he picks up his phone and answers.  
‘’Hello?’’  
‘’Haz?’’  
It’s Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspired by Patty Griffin's nobody's crying


	14. Crash landing

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Hi, Harry, Um, yeah, hi. It’s Lou.’’

Harry sits up properly. His heart is somehow beating fast but his breathing is steady. It’s been so long since he’s heard Louis’ voice and he isn’t ashamed to admit how much YouTube videos he’s watched of the band just to hear his voice again.

‘’Hi, Lou,’’ he doesn’t even care how soft he sounds.

‘’Um, so, I received your recording. All those weeks ago.’’

‘’Straight to the point there,’’ Harry exhales a laugh but deep within, he’s so nervous.

‘’Sorry, um. Okay, let me start over.’’ Harry can hear him gulp. ‘’How are you?’’

‘’I’m fine,’’ Harry cannot help but smile softly, cannot help but speak softly.

‘’You’re okay with this? With me talking to you?’’ Louis asks after a beat. His tone is gentle, like he doesn’t want to spook him.

‘’I’m more than okay right now,’’ Harry cannot help but admit. ‘’It’s really good to hear from you.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou. I miss…’’

‘’Don’t go there,’’ Louis interrupts calmly. ‘’hear me out first?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry frowns.

‘’I mean, let’s talk first. No need to go there, not yet.’’ Louis corrects himself. ‘’okay?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou. Anything you want.’’ Harry feels like obliging him anything, just as long as he keeps talking.

‘’So, um, Liam tells me you’re on tour.’’ Louis ventures, like he’s trying to turn whatever this is into a normal conversation. Harry plays along.

‘’It’s been a bit weird at first but I think it’s been great so far.’’ Harry contributes.

‘’That’s good to hear. You’ve always been a star in your own right. Always knew you could do it on your own.’’

‘’It’s not permanent; it’s just something to pass the time. What are you trying to say here?’’ Harry cannot help it. He feels like Louis is saying goodbye to him again and that can’t be good for his self-preservation.

‘’I thought we were having a normal conversation.’’

‘’There is nothing normal about this; we haven’t spoken in months and I don’t want to pretend we’re fine when I know that we’re not.’’

He feels like it’s the wrong thing to say when the silence stretches beyond awkward.

‘’I called to tell you goodbye. Properly.’’ Louis admits.

‘’What?’’ Harry feels his heart sinking.

‘’I’ve had a lot of time to myself these past few weeks and I’ve been thinking a lot, about the future. I think it’s time we give a name to whatever this is that’s been going on between us, this whole back and forth thing…’’

‘’What are you talking about?’’ Harry is very desperate for Louis not to get to what Harry thinks this is.

‘’I’m talking about the fact that we haven’t spoken in months, which is something you re obviously aware of and that it’s about time I give you closure.’’

‘’Why? Not enough for you to say goodbye to me once?’’ Harry snaps, blinking away furious tears.

‘’That wasn’t a goodbye, Haz.’’ Louis says softly, like he regrets it and Harry knows that can’t be true because he knows Louis meant every word. ‘’That was me being caged in, me being afraid of what’s to come. You’re only away because I know you, you want to respect my wishes; you think you deserve being pushed away. And it’s not right. None of this is your fault so stop punishing yourself.’’

‘’No, Lou, I deserve it,’’ His tears spill. ‘’I should’ve been there for you. I shouldn’t have been so proud. You were hurt, you lashed out and you had every right to. It’s your life, I had no business making you decide what’s good for you or for anyone but yourself, let alone me.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis’ voice is small.

‘’I’ve been thinking a lot too, you know? and talking to mom and I realize now how much I’ve cornered you, how little were the choices I gave you and that wasn’t fair to you. You had every right to push me away. I understand that now.’’

‘’Then why are you still punishing yourself?’’

‘’You have to forgive me,’’

‘’For what?’’

‘’I don’t know but don’t do this. Anything but this closure thing. I don’t want a proper goodbye, Lou. I want a second chance.’’

Louis is quiet and Harry is not even ashamed to be heard crying on the phone.

‘’Liam tells me you’ve been constantly calling, checking up on me,’’ Louis says after another bout of silence.

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry sniffles. ‘’How was the surgery? You’re better now?’’

Harry knows that there have been complications since the surgery and he’s been dying to know.

‘’Why? Were you worried?’’ Louis teases and Harry can’t take it.

‘’Stop mocking me, do you have any idea how guilty I felt?’’

‘’If you were that guilty, you’d be here right now.’’

‘’I know,’’

‘’But you’re still punishing yourself and for no reason,’’ Louis grumbles.

‘’At least my intentions were pure,’’ Harry jokes.

‘’Haz?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Do you still love me?’’

‘’God, Lou.’’ A new bout of tears start. ‘’How can you even ask me that? Do you?’’

‘’I do.’’ Louis says calmly. ‘’That’s why I want to let you go. You can’t come back here, okay? I’m freeing you. You be out there and you sing your songs and be somebody. Don’t come back here and be the sick kid’s boyfriend. I don’t want that and I will resent you for it if you do. You don’t want this closure but you’re getting it anyways whether you like it or not. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry cannot keep up.

‘’Goodbye, Harry.’’

The line clicks.

Harry stares at the phone for a few more minutes before his mind is made up because how dare he? How fucking dare he dictate his feelings for him?

‘’Tim!’’ he calls. ‘’Book me a flight back home!’’

……………………………………………………………………………………..

For the first time in a long time, his mind is at ease. He doesn’t sleep soundly in the flight back to London but he’s not troubled either. He’s canceled all his upcoming shows and he doesn’t regret it at all. He’s as calm as a cucumber, as the saying goes.

He’s talked to his mom while waiting for his flight, and maybe his insecurities bled out a little into his voice but talking to his mom always calms him down. Anne always knows how to say the right things in the right way and therefore, his course is still set on its route.

He won’t lose Louis. Not again. Not ever.

He’s woken by Tim when they finally land and he groggily heaves his carry-on and walks out of the plane. The rest of the team have rides to bring them home and although Tim insisted he drive Harry back to his place, Harry was stubborn about driving his own car and crashing for the night.

‘’Thank you for everything,’’ he tells the man through the window of his Range Rover in the airport garage. ‘’I hope I didn’t give you too much trouble,’’

‘’Worse client I ever had,’’ Tim jokes, punching his shoulder.

Harry laughs, ‘’Send the crew my regards. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye.’’

‘’No, it’s alright. We all know you’ll be out there again, just a matter of time,’’ Tim’s eyes soften when Harry shrugs. ‘’You belong on that stage, lad and I know things are hard right now but it will work itself out. I’m sure of it.’’

Harry just nods. ‘’I’ll see you soon, then.’’

‘’See you soon,’’

He drives out of the airport and is finally on his way home.


	15. Make it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added extra parts in chapter 14 before adding this chapter, so you might want to check it out   
> chapter 15 title is based on ''make it right'' by BTS

He sleeps his jet-lag off and he can’t wait any longer. Its 6 am and he’s too jittery to wait for an appropriate time to go see Louis. He knows from his mom, he is on regular speaking terms with Jay, that Niall and Liam have moved in with Louis for a while. Jay has to commute back and forth to see her girls and make sure that Louis is recovering well.

There were some complications with Louis after the surgery, accidents that could have been fatal, like him being too impatient for his nurse to get him to the bathroom so he got up from bed himself and almost brained himself on the bathroom counter. Those were one of those heart-stopping moments; whenever an incident like that would happen, Liam would immediately call and tell Harry. Bless Liam; he wanted to do anything to get him to come back, even if it meant giving Harry nightmares that would last him a life time.

It’s quiet on his way towards Louis’ house and if not for the fact that he knows the code to the gate-his and Louis’ birthday because they’re a bunch of sappy fuckers-he would have probably faced down the boys not giving him entry. He has a feeling they won’t be happy to see him despite being very keen on him coming back.

He’s jittery as he climbs up the porch steps but he doesn’t hesitate as he takes out his key ring and looks for the key Louis’ gave him and all the boys to his house.

But then he thinks it wouldn’t be nice for him to just waltz in and decides perhaps it would be more proper to ring the door or turn back around and come at a decent time.

He rings the door.

He waits but no one answers. He rings again and then decides to knock. He’s about to shout and knock harder when the door is ripped open.

‘’Jesus Harry, don’t you have a bloody key?’’ Niall shouts, hair askew and standing in a hoodie and boxers. ‘’Or a fucking watch, mate, do you know what time it is?’’

Harry just stares for a second. ‘’Hi, Niall,’’

Niall just huffs and pulls him in for a bone-crushing hug. ‘’What took you so long?’’

He hugs back just as hard. He didn’t know how much he’d missed him until now, all thoughts orbiting Louis constantly. ‘’Finally hit me that it’s been long enough.’’

‘’Yeah,’’

They stand there rocking left and right before Niall give him a bro-like couple of pats on the back and withdraws.

‘’Bad timing though,’’ Niall winces after another look at him.

‘’I know but I just couldn’t wait…’’

‘’No, I mean,’’ Niall interrupts gently. ‘’We’re actually all awake. A nurse usually stays over-night. Louis tends to move a lot while he’s asleep, hurts his back real bad. Nurse has to administer some type of painkiller, the good, strong kind, you know?’’

‘’Oh,’’

‘’Yeah, Liam usually gets up early for it and I usually stay with him in the afternoons and Jay in the evening, hence why am really sleepy. But,’’ Niall exhales, rubbing his face with exhaustion. ‘’He’s alright, Haz. He’s getting there,’’

‘’Niall, you awake?’’

They both turn just in time to see Liam coming out of the guest bedroom. He sees Harry and pauses. They stand looking at each other for a second before Liam clears his throat and looks at Niall.

‘’Since you’re awake, would you mind checking if there are clean towels in the bathroom?’’

‘’Sure, Li.’’

‘’Thanks,’’

Then it’s just Harry and Liam.

Harry realizes that he hasn’t closed the door yet so he turns and does just that. He then takes his coat and shoes off and turns to face the music.

‘’Li,’’

‘’Um, would you mind holding that thought?’’ Liam tells him, his face unreadable. ‘’Just, one minute, okay?’’

Harry nods, frowns when Liam retreats to the guest bedroom.

He keeps standing by the door, unsure if he should sit down or not. He takes it as an opportunity to look around the house. It’s not as dusty as he’d expected it to be although he is unsure why he’d thought to find it dusty in the first place. The living room seems to be lived in but something feels off about it, like it’s almost too clean and he realizes it’s because he doesn’t see Louis in it. Usually when they hang out, Louis’ shoes would be strewn everywhere, or there would be a hoodie on the back of the couch or socks wedged between the cushion pillows. It looks almost too sanitary.

He’s startled when Liam comes back but he’s not alone.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’Stay back, please,’’ Liam says gently, carrying Louis in his arms. He looks pale and sweaty, eyes screwed shut. He has one hand fisted in Liam’s shirt and the other fisted around a stress ball. He looks like he’s delirious with pain. And Harry wants to move towards him and pick him up and never let him go.

‘’Please,’’ Liam tells him when he takes another step forward. ‘’Just sit down and I’ll be right with you,’’ he juts his chin towards the sofa before he moves towards the bathroom, disappearing out of sight.

He takes Liam’s advice because his legs honestly can’t hold him. He folds like a leaf on the sofa, shaky at the sight of Louis looking so pale.

‘’He’s only like that in the morning,’’ he whips his head around and sees a stranger in scrubs.

‘’I’m Jared, I’m Louis’ private nurse,’’ he says in a friendly tone, offering his hand. Harry cannot stand to greet him properly and the nurse doesn’t expect it from him so he accepts the weak hand shake and sits down on the arm chair.

‘’You’re Harry Styles,’’ he states.

‘’Yes,’’ Harry says, still trying to calm down.

‘’You were expected a long time ago, if you don’t mind my saying,’’ Jared says. He has a file with him, looks to be like a medical report and he’s jotting down stuff in a time-table like sheet.

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry pauses. ‘’Is that a file on Louis?’’

Jared looks up at him briefly before he continues his work. He seems very comfortable in Louis’ house which means he’s been here a lot, Harry cannot help but think.

‘’Yes, I have to monitor his pain-levels and his physiotherapy. He’s actually recovering pretty well but Louis isn’t the type to sleep without moving around so he tends to hurt his back when he wakes up in the morning. We’ve actually reduced his painkillers so he only needs them in the morning. It’s really good improvement.’’

‘’I see,’’ Harry swallows. He’s actually relieved. ‘’Can he, um…?’’

‘’Walk?’’

Harry nods.

‘’With assistance but he will get there eventually,’’ Jared says resolutely. ‘’He’s very stubborn and very keen when he sets his mind to it. Drives his mates up the walls sometimes with how fast he badly wants to recover. But, I can’t blame the guy, you know?’’

Harry nods. He’d go crazy too if he knew what awaits him is walking and running around again.

‘’Would you like anything to drink?’’ Jared asks. “’I heard from Niall that you’ve just returned last night and considering how early you’re here, I figure perhaps a cup of tea will do?’’

‘’Yes, please, thank you.’’ Harry feels like he’s lost all eloquence but to be honest, he just wants to see for himself how Louis’ doing. He wants to talk to him, hold him. He never thought the day would come when those two requests put together would be something that’s too much to ask.

Jared is back with his tea before either Niall or Liam pop back in and then he’s gone, leaving Harry to his lonesome. Harry cannot stand the silence and wishes he could help the boys tend to Louis.

‘’Hey,’’

He turns his head and sees Liam standing beside the soda, wearing a grey hoodie and basketball shorts. His beard is untrimmed but he looks wide-awake compared to Niall. His hoodie looks a bit soaked as well, like he’d splashed water on himself.

‘’Hey, Li…’’ Harry is about to stand up when Liam takes a seat next to him.

‘’You’ve met Jared?’’ Liam interrupts him.

‘’Yeah, seems alright.’’ Harry answers but his eyes are on the hallway leading to the bathroom. ‘’Is he with Louis?’’

‘’Yeah, better leave that to the professionals, you know?’’

Harry nods before he can’t help himself anymore. He brings Liam in a one-armed hug, other hand still holding his cup.

‘’I missed you,’’ he says quietly, lips against Liam’s temple. ‘’I’m sorry I took so long.’’

Liam just nods, clears his throat before he sits up properly. ‘’What made you come back?’’ he asks, crossing his arms.

‘’Louis called.’’

‘’What?’’ Liam looks genuinely surprised by this.

‘’Yeah, told me he heard my recording.’’

‘’Ah, that one,’’

They sit in silence for a moment before Niall joins them, pushing a cup of tea to Liam’s hand and sipping from one for himself.

‘’How’s the tour been?’’ Liam asks. The silence between them is awkward and Harry is more than glad to retail some stories from the road but he runs out easily as he most spent his touring days pretty much agonizing over Louis.

He hears movement behind him at some point. But he does not turn his head to see since neither Liam nor Niall move.

‘’Jared told me he’s getting better,’’ Harry ventures eventually.

‘’He is,’’ Liam’s smile is small but genuine.

‘’Do you think…’’ Harry swallows. ‘’Do you think it would be ok if I see him?’’

Niall and Liam exchange quick glances but neither one of them answers for a minute. Niall shrugs and finishes his tea and Liam sighs.

‘’You’re already here.’’ Liam says. ‘’Might as well see how it goes.’’

‘’You don’t think it’s a good idea?’’ Harry frowns.

‘’No, Harry. We all want you here,’’ Liam placates. ‘’It’s just that Louis has good days and bad days and yesterday was a bit hard on him so I just don’t know what his mood would be like today, that’s all.’’

Harry digests this all in. He knew coming in that it wouldn’t be easy but he’s made this far. He won’t be swayed back.

‘’I’ll take the risk,’’ Harry says.

Liam looks at him for a really long time but Harry does not flinch. Eventually Liam sighs and stands up.

‘’I’ll go check on him. Just wait here, yeah?’’ he asks Harry, like he’s pleading with him to make this right.

‘’I’ll be here,’’ Harry tells him and they both know he means it in more ways than one.


	16. No baby this is not an illusion

The climb up the stairs on the way to Louis’ room shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes but Harry cannot seem to bring himself to walk faster than his current snail-like pace.

He’s nervous, he’s man enough to admit it but it doesn’t change the fact that he is so nervous that he cannot seem to stop his hands from sweating.

It’s just that; he knows what he’s here for, he knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know what Louis would say, how he’ll react. Louis has always had the uncanny ability to disarm him, push him into a corner with his sharp words and biting tone and he’s sure that before, his first impulse would be to lash out and fight back but now, he doesn’t think he can do that, not when the image of Louis huddled in Liam’s arms this morning has taken up permanent residence in his mind.

Just as he’d expected, he’s right outside Louis’ room in less than 10 minutes and it’s not nearly enough time to prepare him for what he would see when he steps through the door.

Louis is sitting up against a stack of pillows wearing a neck pillow. His ear buds are in and his eyes are closed, his cell phone on his lap. On the bed-side table is a spread of a half-finished breakfast with a mug that Harry is sure had tea and a bottle of pills next to a half-glass of water. Everything looks neat though, which probably has a lot to do with Jared and the lads.

‘’You gonna stand there all day?’’

Harry breaks out of his thoughts and sees that Louis’ eyes are open, staring at him with an unreadable expression. Throughout all their years in close proximity, he’d never been so closed off before. He’d never been one to carry his heart on his sleeve sure, unlike Harry whose heart had always been bare and raw for the world to see but Louis had always been an-open book to Harry, always. Now, it’s like there’s a veil between them, blocking each other off.

‘’Can I come in?’’ he asks tentatively.

‘’Since when did you have to ask?’’ Louis snorts tiredly.

‘’Since now,’’ Harry answers and wonders when did they start speaking in codes.

Louis looks at him silently before he nods, ‘’come in then.’’

Harry gets as far as the edge of the bed before Louis speaks up. ‘’There’s a chair right there if you want to take a seat,’’

Harry was about to sit on the edge of the bed and blushes at being caught. He pulls the chair near the bed though and sits on it even if it still feels too far away.

‘’How are you?’’ he asks.

‘’I’m sure the boys have told you already,’’ Louis answers before he closes his eyes and continues to listen to whatever is playing on his cell phone. Harry notices his fingers turning the volume down so he takes what he can get.

‘’I want to hear it from you,’’ Harry takes his fill of him and it’s just; Louis’ still beautiful even if his cheekbones look gaunt and his frame looks smaller. He still loves him. ‘’You feeling better?’’

‘’Well, I’m not dead so,’’ Louis shrugs.

Harry’s chest tightens at that. ‘’It almost happened though,’’

‘’What are you here for?’’ Louis opens his eyes and frowns at him. ‘’Enough with going in circles, yeah? What do you want to say, Harry?’’

‘’I wanted to see you,’’

‘’Well, you have seen me. Anything else?’’

‘’Can’t you give me a break? I’m trying here,’’ his voice chokes up.

‘’I already told you; we’re done,’’ Louis closes his eyes.

‘’I refuse that,’’

‘’I’ve made up my mind, Harry.’’

‘’And I’m not gonna lose you twice!’’ Harry doesn’t exactly yell but it was close enough if the sudden bout of tears that sprouted out of his eyes is anything to go by. He wipes at his cheeks just as Louis opens his eyes and looks at him.

‘’You haven’t lost me,’’ Louis tells him gently. ‘’I’m just letting you go, love but I’m here,’’

‘’That’s not good enough,’’

‘’Don’t be selfish,’’ Louis sighs.

‘’I want you here with me,’’ Harry pleads. ‘’And I want to be here for you,’’

‘’That’s not happening,’’ Louis shakes his head.

‘’God, Lou…’’

‘’I’m dead weight…’’

‘’Don’t say that,’’

‘’You’ll just drag me around and I’ll hold you back because I don’t know how long this whole healing process will take….’’

‘’You’ll get better….’’

‘’You don’t know that!’’ Louis interrupts him, harshly. ‘’You don’t know how long it will take. The boys have figured it out; they’re releasing solo stuff now and I’m happy for them; I don’t envy them and I don’t envy you. They’re going on tour soon, both of them, finally and I’m proud of them, okay? I’m happy for all of you. It’s about time you let me go too.’’

‘’That’s not how this works,’’ Harry says after shaking his head at Louis’ words. ‘’You cannot dictate my feelings, Lou because I don’t have control over them, okay? And just because we’re working does not mean we’re going to abandon you!’’

‘’Isn’t that what you did?’’ Louis replies, voice empty, eyes dull. ‘’You didn’t find it hard to walk out that door. What makes me think you won’t do it again?’’

‘’I wasn’t ready to deal and I’m sorry, okay? I’m not as strong as you but I understand better now. I’m here, now.’’ Harry wants to beg, wants to get down on his knees and beg. ‘’Louis, I’m here.’’ He repeats when he sees Louis’ eyes water. ‘’I’m here.’’

There is nothing worse, Harry thinks, than becoming aware of what is important to you only after losing it. That’s how he’d felt the whole time he was away, jumping out of the tour bus, getting on stage and singing his heart out all those nights. The entire time, he’d felt that sense of loss and thought his phone calls here and there were enough to make him feel better but it was never enough; like a drug addict who wouldn’t be able to go on without shooting up again, like a man who can only hold his breath for so long before he had to breach the surface and gasp for air. It wasn’t enough and Harry is so fucking done of feeling lost without Louis, of feeling like his limbs are somewhere and his body somewhere else, of feeling like his vital organs are in disarray and the only way to fix them and make them work was to come back here so that Louis could fit right into him like a fucking key, open him up and put him back together.

‘’You’ll leave again, I know you will,’’ Louis shakes his head, blinking his eyes rapidly.

‘’I won’t and you know why? because I watched some stupid boy almost burn alive under the weight of a fucking monster of a truck one night and every time I think about that, of almost losing you, of every time Liam called with bad news, it killed me more,’’ Harry blinks too because he’s crying again but he doesn’t wipe his tears away, doesn’t want to stop looking at Louis. ‘’I can’t live like that; I can’t keep missing up my chances. Life is too short Lou and I’m not that lucky,’’ he chuckles wetly.

‘’I can’t make you wait forever,’’ Louis whispers.

‘’You won’t,’’ Louis snorts. ‘’You’re the strongest person I know. I believe in you. I know what you’re capable of and I know that you don’t need me around to get better but I sure as hell don’t want to live without you.’’

Louis stares at him and it’s like whatever veil that was between them before has finally fallen.

‘’If I could turn back time over and over again, I would always choose to turn that car around, no questions asked.’’

‘’I wouldn’t have fought with you so much,’’

‘’I’ve missed you every day,’’ Louis tells him softly.

‘’I looked for your face in the crowd everywhere I went,’’

‘’I wanted to call you every night to wish you luck.’’

‘’All my songs are about you,’’

‘’I want to kiss you,’’

A raw sound escapes his lips and before he knows it, Harry knees are touching the floor and his hand is suddenly on Louis cheek and they are inches apart. 

‘’You can kiss me anytime you want, baby. You never have to ask,’’ he wants to give Louis everything, take away every hurt and every pain in Louis’ body and tuck him somewhere safe and warm where nothing can ever hurt him.

‘’Stop talking already,’’ Louis pulls at his hair and smashes their lips together. It’s a raw kiss, filled with longing and everything they’ve repressed between them. It’s one of the most honest kisses Harry feels they’ve ever had but it’s still as passionate and he cannot believe he almost forgot what it’s like to kiss Louis, to have such closeness again.

‘’You still love me?’’ Louis asks when they break apart, panting slightly.

Harry looks into the deep blue of Louis’ ocean eyes. ‘’Always,’’

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s tough but it gets better. Niall goes on tour and Liam makes several collaboration songs one after the other. Harry stays and Louis helps him make his debut album. It’s a long process and they fight a lot but there are better days now, and the bad don’t amount to much anymore.

It’s only when Harry starts touring that fans start to notice. Sneak and grainy photos of Louis backstage start popping up on social media and speculations start flying but they don’t stay anything about it.

Louis surprises the fans with one single after another and it’s only when he makes his first radio appearance that the internet loses its shit.

‘’I’d like to inform everyone listening in right now,’’ Nick Grimshaw says, moving papers in front of him as he speaks. ‘’That Louis came in running and jumping with his security team chasing him around and almost knocked his head off before sitting right in front of me. Isn’t that right, mate?’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, you know me, but I’m all good,’’ Louis replies and tries not to break out into a wide grin because Harry is making funny face at him behind the glass on the other side of the room. ‘’It’s been a hard road and I do have to be careful and everything but it’s all good.’’

‘’Fancy a kick about after this?’’ Nick asks lightly.

‘’Nah, my footie days are over I’m afraid,’’ Louis answers and there are days when that is a hard pill to swallow but whether there was an accident or not, he knew he had to break out of his Peter Pan whims one day and put his big boy pants on.

‘’What about your touring days? We hear an album’s on the way?’’ Give it to Nick to Segway into the topics that matter although he knows that Harry did give him a nice ribbing before they came on air about being nice, since he’s such an overprotective jerk of a boyfriend.

‘’Yup, that is definitely true. I’ll be releasing a few more singles first before that comes about but yeah, it’s a working process.’’ Louis announces happily and can’t help but share a fond look with Harry. Hopefully the camera won’t notice.

‘’Well, you heard him folks. Speaking of music,; how are the other lads? Any news from them? You lads catching up with each other for sure, yeah?’’ There’s a twinkle in Nick’s eyes that Louis can tell means he isn’t asking about all the lads but perhaps one in particular.

‘’Yeah, we catch up a lot. Niall’s on tour as I’m sure you know, Liam’s busy being a father and that’s tough work, you know?’’

‘’And what about that curly lad, what’s his name again?’’ Nick asks with faux-innocence.

‘’Oh, you mean Larry?’’

‘’I think his name is Harry Styles or something like that.’’

‘’Ah Harry, well, he’s right here actually.’’

It’s the perfect timing because just then, Harry chokes on his drink, not expecting Louis’ answer. Louis grins at him madly.

‘’Really?’’ Nick says slyly even though he too is surprised but his professionalism helps him stay cool. ‘’Well, I think he’s in the wrong building. Shouldn’t he be in a studio or something like that?’’

‘’Nah, I think…’’ Louis gets distracted because Harry’s picked a sharpie and is writing on the glass in big fat letters. Louis starts shaking his head and chuckles when Harry caps back the sharpie, staring at Louis proudly with a dimpled smile like he’s proud of his vandalism, the quirky dork.

‘’I think he’s waiting on me to wrap up here. You should check your schedule, maybe you’re not doing your job right; can’t keep Harry Styles waiting, you know. He is a busy lad.’’ Louis’ answer comes out way too soft and too fond but he can’t help himself when Harry, the bloody sap, had just written ‘’H loves L’’ on the glass. Thank goodness it’s off camera.

‘’Yeah, my bad,’’ Nick agrees with a humored chuckle. He also doesn’t push with any questions about their relationship and the rest of the interview goes on smoothly.

Later on in the car, Louis cuddles up against his boy. Harry has his arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulders, cradling him firmly against his side.

‘’You don’t still care, right?’’ Louis asks him.

‘’About what?’’

‘’About people knowing? Not like before.’’ Louis had been wondering about when Harry was going to bring it up because it’s been such a huge part of their history and he still anxiously wonders if Harry will one day just get fed up with him. It’s something they’ve discussed before; his insecurity issues and Harry’s aloofness about them. They’ve gotten better at communicating though and things have been good between them, better than good.

‘’It doesn’t really matter anymore,’’ Harry tells him.

‘’How come? We fought all the time about this.’’ Louis doesn’t feel good about Harry yielding because it feels like Harry giving him everything and him not returning it back. Most days after he started walking without any assist, when he’s down, he’d feel like he doesn’t deserve Harry at all.

‘’You know the book I was reading last night?’’ Harry asks.

‘’The Great Gatsby?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry smiles; he loves it when Louis reveals his attentiveness to his interests. Most people sometimes think that Harry is shallow when he talks about books or history or snippets about facts of life. They don’t tell him to his face but he sees it in the way he’s brushed off or teased for ‘acting all smart and sophisticated’. Yes, he didn’t go to university but he likes what he reads and he watches the news and likes to catch up on things when he has the time for it. Louis though, seems to always catch him off guard. He’s never been one of those people who teased him or anything but God, he loves him even more when Louis would buy him books he thinks he’ll like or asks him about his interests with real curiosity.

‘’There was a quote in that book that I really like.’’

‘’Which is?’’

Harry takes a deep breath and looks at the love of his life. ‘’’The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly’’’ Harry quotes.

Louis hums. ‘’That’s really nice,’’

‘’It’s made me realize that I care more about this,’’ he brings Louis closer, gathers him and hugs him to his chest, lips moving against the top of his head before he pulls back a little and looks into his eyes, ‘’than what people might want to say about it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you how that accident did a number on me because you know all that,’’

He never likes talking about it and only did whenever Louis would wake him up from a nightmare about it. It’s easier to get raw and unfiltered when it’s the crack of dawn, the whole world is asleep and only their hushed voices can be heard, words speaking of confessions and despair and waking up feeling finally unburdened.

‘’But I am going to tell you that it’s shifted my perspective.’’ Harry finishes.

‘’I shouldn’t have said that you were at the radio station then, right? Thought it would make you happy.’’ Louis says with a downward quirk to his lips.

‘’You can say whatever you want, babe.’’ Harry brushes his lips against his in a chaste kiss.

‘’You want to hear my perspective?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Why, is it a big deal?’’ Harry teases.

‘’I think it is because I know that I will always want to be with you and that I’ll always want to protect you.’’ Louis pauses and Harry waits him out, drowns in his eyes. ‘’I didn’t even think, Haz.’’ Louis’ voice grows soft. ‘’I didn’t even think when I turned that car. You were the only thing in my mind, love.’’

‘’I can’t even think about you ever doing something like that ever again, just to protect me.’’ Harry croaks.

‘’I know you’ll do the same for me. Even then, if I was the one running out in the rain, I knew you’d do the same for me.’’

‘’I love you,’’ Harry cannot help but say because that is what it comes down to. Ultimately, the sole reason behind everything that’s happened to them is their love for each other, their devotion. It’s crazy sometimes to think about but it’s true.

‘’Come here, babe.’’ Louis pulls his head down for a deep, long kiss. He caresses Harry’s smooth cheek and doesn’t pull away until his lungs run out of air.

‘’We’re going to be okay, no matter what.’’ Louis tells him. ‘’I got you, okay? I’m not going anywhere.’’

‘’That’s right. You stay with me, okay?’’ Harry almost pleads with him. Sometimes, he can’t help but bleed out some of his old possessiveness but now it stems mostly out of protectiveness than sheer jealousy.

‘’Okay,’’ Louis smiles at him.

‘’We’ll never be apart, right?’’

‘’Right,’’

‘’You love me?’’

‘’I love you,’’

‘’It sounds so good to hear you say that,’’

‘’It feels good saying it,’’

‘’Am I cheesy?’’

‘’The cheesiest, babe.’’

They burst out laughing as the driver takes them home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. Let me know what you think?


End file.
